Thursday, June 29, 2006

Lauren Does the Mid-West, the wrapup

I kind of fell off the whole blogging-on-vacation thing, and I'm sorry about that. But there were very important things to take care of. There was a best man speech to write. That was funny, with me all "taking a memo" style typing out what Kev was saying. Then I go to the front desk to have them print it for me, one stinkin page, and the jerkass won't do it!! I even tried to pull the best man card, to no avail. I'm really bad at the pulling rank, I didn't even get a suite the night of Kev's and my wedding, and I checked in wearing my dress and veil. That's two strikes against the Holiday Inn chain, as a matter of fact. But I digress.

Anyway, there was that, a hairspray emergency with the bridesmaids and flowergirls (that naturally I was called for- hello, was not a bridesmaid!!), the wedding blah blah blah and then... the drive home.

Driving home went well. Well, actually, we did lose our road in St. Louis, but it wasn't too bad because we then found the Anheuiser-Busch plant and took a tour. Beechwood aging, people, it's all about the beechwood. And the hops. But then stupid ass Dudley fucking Do-Right pulls me over, and I'm all bitter. It took a little longer to get home after that, what with me and then Kev verrrrr carefully observing the speed limit all the way to Phila.

So we made it, we're not divorced, and Sammy survived a week without his pops. He ripped up a whole roll of paper towels the night before we got back, but that's actually normal behavior for Sam. Sophia seems to have barely noticed our absence. The nephew did, though, and now he says my name now, a lot. It's so fun.

I've even done almost all the wash from the trip. Although the clean clothes are still in the suitcases. And this is dumb, but the bag, you know, the one filled with Vanilla-scented shaving cream? It's part of a set of luggage that I borrowed from my sister. Last night, I went and bought my own set. Ocean blue, instead of hot pink, so Kev and I can share. But how dumb is that, to buy a set of luggage after your maybe once yearly trip? Oh well, was 40 bucks, how could I refuse?

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Dear PA state police

Fuck you. You suck. Instead of sitting on the side of the road, trying to fill up your quota of speeding tickets for the month, why don't you install some speed limit signs? I. Hate. You.

I was worried about the po-po in W. VA, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Missouri, but not here. Not home. You ruined my faith in PA's superiorness as a state.

And now I have points on my license, and that, to me, is so much worse than notes on my permanent record card.


Friday, June 23, 2006

A message from the real world...

Argh! I have a student from last Spring's semester of the class from hell. Get this- he is still perplexed and contesting his grades from frickin Spring of 05.

My advisor (and this fool's instructor of record, gah!) wanted to know how we came up with an F for his grade. Well, ya big j.o.

his average on test grades- 35
his participation/paper grades- 50
(handing in one of two papers, late, and horribly wrong, still got him a 50 BECAUSE I AM NICE!)

So obviously Art History is not this boy's strong suit, but neither is math. And the kicker is that he is my age, getting an undergrad degree, and assured me and my fellow TA that he was not like those other students, lazy and not having his act together.

No, no, friend, you? Are sooooo much worse, because at least they're 18. Asshole!

vent over!

Fresh Ink

Fresh Ink
Originally uploaded by laurenhpatterson.
Behold the new tattoo. It's a little, um, pink, no?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Lauren Does the Mid-West, vol. 3

Last night we went to the bride's parents' house for dinner. They have five, yes, five dogs. Three of them are weiner dogs, two are weiner dog-terrier mixes. One of the purebred weiners is in a wheelchair. She's sooooo cute. I'll have to take pictures the next time I see them. It was nice to have animal contact again, because I miss my kitties!

The bride's parents are both deaf. It's a little hard to communicate with them (duh, right?!) because I feel bad for making the bride interpret for me, but her mom, especially, is hard to understand when she's speaking. But! Other than that, oh my gob, they are exactly like Kev's parents. Not only do they look like Kev's parents, they also have the same personalities, they have the same affection for pulling out photo albums at awkward times as Kev's parents, and they even share the same love of camping and RVing as Kev's parents. All of this? Complete opposite of my own parents, but this is another entry.

We had fried chicken and some sides for dinner over there, and Kev very nicely got me some iced tea. Well. I took one sip, and I knew I was doomed. It was raspberry flavored tea, and I? Am so allergic to raspberries. And? You would not believe it if I told you how many times I've accidentally ingested them! And more than once at the hands of Kev's sister. hmmmm...

Anyway, I had thought to bring Benadryl with me to Kansas, but not in my purse. I felt the hives creeping up, and my throat was getting sore, but I wasn't going to say anything. And then everyone noticed at about the same time that Lauren has big red nasty blotches on her chest. I probably should have taken Benadryl, but that crap knocks me out faster than one of Kev's long and boring comic book stories. I tried to suffer in silence, but everyone kept asking if I'm all right, etc etc, which was nice, but I get the hives when everyone is looking at me, no matter what kind of fruit I may have actually eaten.

Kev got his tattoo yesterday. Now I really want one. But I'm scared. Not of the pain- I told you, he's a baby sissy la-la, but of where to get it, and the appropriateness of me having one as a someday professor. I may have decided (in Target today, where they sell beer, y'all, seriously, I come from a state where they have stores that only sell beer, and that's pretty much the only place they do, so this was very very weird to me.) to get cherry blossoms on my back. It's tricky, though, to find something that is meaningful, but not too literal. Or generic. Or korny. with a K, because that's how bad it is.

Tomorrow, the rehearsal dinner. Christ. I am maintaining my position, I'm just trying to be helpful and stay out of the line of fire. Crazy explosive, this family is!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

My Toiletries Bag

My Toiletries Bag
Originally uploaded by laurenhpatterson.
Honestly. Am such a fool

Lauren Does the Mid-West, vol. 2

1156 miles from Philadelphia
1 stop over in Terre Haute, Indiana
4 hours in St. Louis, Missori
1 stop at Nostalgiatown (or ville, or berg, or whatever) USA
19 hours of driving
-1 hour time difference
at least 10 deer carcasses and various unidentifiable blobs of road kill (ew, and sad)
1 duffle bag full of vanilla scented shaving cream

I'm going to bed, and I refuse to set an alarm for tomorrow. Tomorrow, Kev has an appointment to get a new tattoo. I will surely make fun of him for his sissy-la-la ness. And we may go shopping. Or not! We are on vacation. Good night everyone!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Kansas City, here we come

Kev and I are leaving for Kansas City today. Well, we will be, when he gets out of bed. And gets his hair cut. And we'll probably need some ice for the cooler. But then! We will, in fact, leave.

We're driving there, an 18 hour trip. It's because I'm afraid to fly, but also because we wanted an adventure. But mostly because I'm afraid to fly. It sucks, I know that logically we're so much safer flying, but I really just like to be able to touch the ground at all times. I like feeling in control and being able to see in front of me.

Our computer is still broken, but the iPod is raring to go. It was frozen yesterday, but for once I was able to fix something that Kev wasn't, so yay for me! We bought one of those iTrip thingies to play the iPod out of the car stereo, and viola! 60 gigs of music at our fingertips. I give it until we pass the middle of PA for Kev to get frustrated with my musical choices.

I hope we're not divorced by the time we get to KC! Stay tuned for tomorrow's installment of Lauren does the US.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Wedding mania

So this weekend, Kev's cousin is getting married. It's a bit sudden, but no, she's not pregnant. She wanted her brother to be there, and brother is leaving for Iraq in July. Gulp! So if it's your thing, please pray for him, okay?

Anyway, since I am not shy about proclaiming the word of God, Cousin chose me to read in her wedding. She was a bridesmaid in mine, so I guess it's only fair. Though "bridesmaid" is a determinedly non-speaking role. I digress

She myspaced me the reading I have to do, wanna see? Of course!

"here- finally- is the reading i will expect you to happily recite this saturday. wow- saturday- craziness.....anyway

you get the racy song of songs, 2:8-10, 14, 16

Hark! my lover-here he comes
springing across the mountains,
leaping across the hills.
My lover is like a gazelle
or a young stag.
Here he stands behind our wall,
gazing through the windows,
peering through the lattices.
My lover speaks; he says to me,
"Arise, my beloved, my beautiful one,
and come!
O my dove in the clefts of the rock,
in the secret recesses of the cliff,
Let me see you,
let me hear your voice,
For your voice is sweet,
and you are lovely."
My lover belongs to me and I to him;
he browses among the lilies.

the 'browsing among the lilies' line is kind of unnecessary, but i guess we have to keep it anyway."

Seriously, Oh my Christ, where to begin? HARK! My love is like a young... STAG?! How am I going to keep a straight face?!

On a related note, when we had Kev's aunt read at our wedding, I typed the readings up to email to her. Our reading started with "The door was shut". Of course, I typed Shit. Which, do you know, is a real word according to MS Word? Oh yeah.

Well, here's hoping I don't bust up laughing or curse on the altar. O My DOVE?!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Mac genius?

If anyone knows what a Mac OS X system disk looks like, could you please tell me? Cause CompUSA wants mine, and Kev says it's on the computer desk, but I looked and looked, and I can't find the frickin thing, and now they're closed, but I'm still looking, even though I said an hour ago, and this is a direct quote, "Fuck it, I'm watching Rick Steves."

Our iMac blew the fuck up, people. Argh!! And? They have to do a system backup. And? It's going to cost us a hundred bucks. But! They're putting it on an external harddrive, which we get to keep.

And for the record, this goofup, I did not do. Unlike when I wiped out all our music, and moved files all over here and tarnation trying to change the username. FYI- can't be done, sorry! This one is all on Kev, I wasn't even home at the time! yessssss!

Hey, he was working on myspace when it happened, think I can blame them?

Monday, June 12, 2006

but in its defense

Myspace is totally lame. I am still a member and all, blah blah blah. But? I doubt the website itself is to blame for a teenage girl getting on a plane to frickin Jordan, of all places. And naming her the Myspace Teen, a la Motorist Rodney King or Track Star Shellie Turner (what the press called a local murder victim), is kind of, sort of, blaming the site, isn't it?

I especially like this little gem: "Shawn Lester told The Saginaw News that her daughter has "never given me a day's trouble. ... I just don't understand with all these new laws protecting America how a 16-year-old kid could get out of the country." " (op. cit.) (I think- it's been a while, okay!) What? Lady, you got scammed. And don't blame the government, how'd she get out of your house?

Oh my God. She'll be in college in a few years. Teacher Lady, we should be on our toes.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

myspace= highschool all over

I have a myspace account. It's silly fun. I don't think it opens children up to internet predators, but I do think that they open themselves up to it. Witness my 14 year old cousin's profile, in which she claims to be both 17 and 14, and to have a kid. (She doesn't). Also, witness the sUpEr AnNoYiNg TyPiNg StYle ShE UsEs. What the hell? It takes so long to write like that, and the results are nearly illegible.

Anyway, this was not intended to be a rant about teenagers. For another day. This? Is a rant about myspace whores. No, not the random chickies that message you and want to be your friend/infect your computer with viri. I'm talking the ones who send out bulletins at lightning pace. Sometimes these whores come in the form of bands- come see our show! new album coming out! new song/pictures/random drivel on our page!

But mostly the major offenders are chicks my age. With desk jobs. This creates boredom, which creates longing for the highschool days, which catalyzes an urge to contact all your "friends" with stupid surveys that are obviously intended for much younger kids (Make out with anyone this weekend?). It's the webpage version of forwards

What really gets my goat- what? I have no goat, just cats! - is the all purpose "pay attention to me" kind of bulletins. New Blog up! (Um, honey, it's an entry- the journal itself is the blog) Comment on my pics! (If I did, you probably wouldn't like it, tramp!)

Of course, how would I know all this if I weren't on myspace all day everyday. God bless tabbed browsing, where I can have myspace, my email, and google open all at the same time. But still, it really brings me back to high school, in which the baffling ways of my gender-mates continues to perplex.

So, wanna me my friend?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Oh! and?

You can just call me Teacher Lady II from now on. A paler, greener version, but still. I got that job, the ancient architecture one, for the fall. Am, like, a real teacher now. Yay-ah!

Weekend Roundup

So the Action! Packed! Weekend! is now over. Thank gob! I shall break it down for you in parts, easily managable morsels of Art nerdy goodness, beginning with:

Kev's Gig, Friday night

Okay, so south Jerz is scary, y'all. Kev's bands played first and second, and they generally rawked. Then, Then! On stage, for your rocking and viewing pleasure, was a man who obviously counted Steven van Zandt as a personal style icon. He had the big embroidered do-rag, a purple crushed velvet shirt, and what can only be described as rubber pants. They were not pleather, they were not vinyl, even! RUBBER. And then, the next band? Their bassist also looked like a pirate! Oh yes, twas a frighful night in so jerz, mateys.

Barnes Foundation, Saturday morning
Always a pleasure to visit Mr. Barnes' place. It's amazing, since there are no wall tags, you discover something else he has EVERY time! The neph waved hi to every baby he saw (and since the collection is heavy in Impressionism, there were a lot!) and barked at every doggie.

Bridal Shower, Saturday afternoon
Meh, boring. But Kev's cousin asked me to read in her wedding. Woo hoo, fun! No, really, I am excited. I've never been in a wedding party, exactly, but I've read in a lot of weddings. And I get a corsage, what fun! A pink one!

So come home from the shower and make pasta salad for the boy's first birthday party. The party was fun. Oh wait, need a heading. Here

The boy's first birthday party, Sunday afternoon
Flurries of activity, including my sister and me going to steal tables from her work, getting a shitload of balloons from multiple places, getting a Sesame Street cake and ashtrays. That was really our list.

Get home, decorate a bit and then the families came. Does everyone know how incredibly effed up my family is?? Not my immediate family, we're okay. If by okay you mean all live in one house and come about thisclose to killing each other. But my cousins are another story.

They are a little embarrassing. They fight all the time. They are also all solidly in their thirties. And my one cousin C is pregnant, and she's a pain in the ass about it. Her brother R is annoying as all hell, seriously, I think he's bi-polar but almost always on the upswing. Whatever you call that part. He babbles on and on about his inventions. Christ, the inventions! He's working with Rubbermaid right now, and then he's going to go to Wal Mart with another. But I just let him talk, because on the off chance he does really make something of this project, I get a new car. Actually, been thinking, I just want him to pay off all my debt, including my hefty student loans.

Also caught my 14 year old second cousin messing around on myspace. Now, I have an account, and I see nothing wrong with it, if the kids are supervised. This girl obviously isn't. Makes me sad. Compounding this is my aunt, the thirty-year olds' mother, who is just miserable! Never feels well, always starting trouble, etc etc.

And this is to say nothing of the boy's father's family. The one sibling of his father, ew, what a brat. She changes the mood of any room she walks in to. She sucks. As does her older sister, but mainly because she's a junky. yep! Bet the neighbors had lots to say about us that day!

The boy made out really well with presents. My nephew, Kev's sister's son, (2 yrs old) asked her to put a Buzz Lightyear table and chairs set in the car. Thief! Though I'd be lying if I said I didn't lock my doors to keep the boy's dad's family out of my apartment!

Thursday, June 01, 2006

And the angels sang and the cherubim and the seraphim and all that good stuff too

Holy crap. I? Have! A! TEACHING! JOOOOBBB!!

It's not the one that I interviewed for last week- no decision on that one yet. But! At my school, in the Spring, I am teaching two, yes two! classes. One is your basic art history 102. Renaissance to Modern.

But! There's also one that I get to... ready for this... create! like myself, y'all!


Last night I was near tears because I didn't think I would ever get some teaching experience. But! My advisor, but mostly the department secretary, have finally shown some faith in me, and omg!

Like totally teaching!