Thanks a lot, John. Telling my mom that I posted her mole story on the internet. Sit at my breakfast table, eating my food, and then tell on me!! You suck!
Just kidding. Thankfully, my mom doesn't know how to do many things on the internet, and I doubt she'd ever find this site. If it's not in the favorites folder, she won't find me! Silly momma.
6 comments:
yeah, john's a real big mouthed jackass ain't he? over the last 20 years, the exhausting amount of crap my ears have had to endure from that cavernous, jabbering garbage-geyser he calls a mouth has be damn near unbearable. i shouldn't be ranting about this to you though. it's probably better the horse's unwashed asshole (he) hear it straight from the horse's mouth (me.)
john,
i hope you can read, and that you're reading this, cause i hate you and i'm not going to balance that statement by telling you i'm kidding, cause i ain't. you're the best of the last of the worst (don't even think of co-opting that phrase. it's one of my few gems and i plan on using it someday.) if you've been able to read and comprehend up to this point, feel free to thank the sightless, mumbling fourth grade girl who read this to you for speaking so slowly and skipping any and all big words ("any" and "all" being among them.) thank her.
me
ok for the record i'm sorry if i wasn't s'posed to say that but who brought up the mole story?? you did, and when you asked if i had heard it, i honestly answered, no i read it on your site. who knew it was a secret?? because if i did it would have stayed one, or i would have dimed on you in a funnier or at least bigger asshole fashion. but thanks a super lot for the fast-breaking, DEE-LISH after four hours of drunken rest on your couch, and a perfect way to start off a day of comic purchasing and b-ball watching. and as for a-hole - i mean andrew - HOW DARE HE??!!!? that goddamn kid is gonna tell me i have a big mouth? he rambles like he's afraid of silence. granted i am louder than a security alarm at a bullhorn factory when i get excited but as the talking heads so eloquently put it: "when i have nothing to say, my lips are sealed. say something once, why say it again?" andrew buzzes around my ears like a drunken bee, and when he leaves the silence is deafening and lovely.
john,
listen... i'm glad you were able to dig your malformed missinglink-like paw out that senile old gentleman's trousers long enough to jot down a response, but please keep this in mind: a child's stroller, however empty it may be at the moment of your supreme "inspiration," is NOT the best place to relieve yourself.
also, the "i am louder than a security alarm at a bullhorn factory" was quite funny (tell the old man i said his quips are still as sharp as his mind is oblivious to your all-to-eager-to-navigate five digit crotch cradling ladle fist,) but i think what you meant to say was: "i am spongier than a malfunctioning slappedass-o-meter in a condemned paper bag recycling cememtery." jerk.
"i am spongier than a malfunctioning slappedass-o-meter in a condemned paper bag recycling cememtery." - no, no, i was speaking of myself, this quote is indicative of your spongy gluttonous self... ass-head.
ps - sorry for flogging up your blogging lauren, i at least hope you think this is funny!
To all those who don't know these two knuckleheads, they are really good friends, the bestest.
J, I am highly entertained
i too, also, WAS entertained, until john and the carnival of open sores he calls his "genitalia" showed up.
john, although repulsive and unpleasant to look at, breathe near, or think of, DOES have a few good qualities. first, he is a 100% guaranteed kryptonite to the ladies which is highly beneficial to gay men and asexual creatures the world over. if you don't care for females, john's the one to have in your corner to keep them out of your hair. second, he has the kind of face that was born to be on the radio (i think "DEAF n' DEAD 101.0" would be an a perfect match in terms of a station.) third, and finally, his stench is ideal for scaring away bears and pesky old people. seriously, it's like low tide at a $2 whorehouse hanging out with that guy. pee-yuck!
john, simply put, i love you. wait... (looking up "love" in the dictionary.) ok, what i meant is: i hate you. sheesh! where is my head today? oh yeah, up john's ante. cheers all.
Post a Comment