Professor Art Nerd

lucy 014a

2008-06-10T17:26:00.001-04:00

lucy 014a
Originally uploaded by Art Nerd Lauren.

Oh hi. Guess what? I had a baby!

Meet Lucy Anna P. She was born May 29 at 10:39 am after a good two hours of pushing and vacuum extraction, mmm. She weighed 8 lbs even, and was 21.5 inches long. She's incredibly long.

Oh, and beautiful, but I may be biased, right?

More soon, things have been hectic but are hopefully settling down a bit. Just wanted to say howdy, from Kev, Lucy, and me. Stay cool!

Allow me to introduce...

2007-05-17T20:05:00.000-04:00

Behold! For I am no longer a blogspot devotee! I have my own domain, and I likes it!!

please come and visit at http://professorartnerd.com

YAY!

And lo, there was much rejoicing. And pretty-fying to be done. It's a work in progress, naturally, and I have to move all this stuff over, but it will be my summer project.

Along with studying for prelims and writing new, longer syllabi.

Same stuff, new website!

IcanHas

2007-05-10T14:08:00.001-04:00

IcanHas
Originally uploaded by Art Nerd Lauren.

most wired campus, my ass. we still enter grades with number two pencils and bubblesheets!

Amazing what re-starting your router will do...

2007-05-06T16:31:00.000-04:00

So I made this image a week ago, but was unable to sign in to my bloggity. But it's still relevant! Still up to my neck in grading, since I couldn't do much of it during this week, but that, my friends, is a story for later in the week. It involves a cortizone shot and my elbow, and that's all I'm gonna tell you.

Also! Coming soon! Stories directly involving students! From last semester, since it is my policy to not talk about students until I won't have to see them again!!

In short, I've been locked out, but am now back. Except that I haven't the time to write. See you soon

Quirky? Unprofessional? You decide

2007-04-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

Many things happen to me in class that I can honestly say I've never had a professor do/say/have happen to them in class.

None of my profs have had their pants malfunction. They've had hideous clothes, but never broken clothes.

None of my profs have stopped a presentation because she or he had to pee. Although I did once have a prof run out, explaining she was "feeling ill" and return a half hour later. And kept teaching like nothing happened.

None have had their contact lens fall off their eye. Oh, but once my favorite prof had to wear her sunglasses because she forgot her indoor glasses. And remember that art history, like most fun things in life, happens in the dark. Hence the need for glasses and contacts in the first case.

Those last two happened to me in the last week. And my voice was cracking like Peter Brady in lecture this morning, where my contact jumped off my eye.

Maybe I'm too rough on myself, and that's something that wasn't apparent to me when beginning this post. These mishaps are typically Lauren, but similar things have happened in classes I've been in.

Hell, I've never been drunk in class, at least! (painting prof got a lil tipsy at the gallery opening on campus and came back to class rosy-cheeked)

Let's hear some stories of professors behaving humanly, everyone!

An Open Letter to my Body

2007-04-11T11:31:00.000-04:00

Dear Right Arm,

I'm sorry to have to do this, but you're so fired. You suck! You have been nothing but problematic since I reached puberty. (This part sounds dirty- just keep listening)

First, when I was in high school, the wrist crapped out on me. Starting gymnastics when you've hit 5' 8" evidently puts certain... stresses on your joints. Being a head taller than your coach should have been some kind of indication.

I had surgery on you, which only kind of worked. I had a cast on you for approximately a whole year, on and off, for various sprains and fractures. And when there wasn't a stinky smelly cast on you, there was a stinky smelly (albeit washable) brace. I was known as the Girl with the Cast for a really long time.

The college years were pretty good. No real problems there, I have to admit. You gripped brushes and pencils, charcoal and conte crayons. You even held my bongs and lit my liters= I really can't get mad at you.

Then. Then I got the shingles. Twice. In less than a year. ON MY RIGHT ARM.

And now? What the fuck, arm- POSTHERPETIC NEURALGIA?! This is an old person's problem. And I have to take an anti-convulsant medication? Please.

I am so over this crap. You'll have to go. Buh bye.

What's your name, fool?

2007-04-05T21:35:00.001-04:00

I was watching America's Next Top Model with my sister (what, you thought Art History profs only watch Masterpiece Theater, listen to classical and sip fine cognac? Yeah, I used to, as well, and I still hold that assumption about my profs. But I am given to the temptation of pretty bitches fighting and fawning over Tyra like the rest of us). And the girls were told to come up with a new name for themselves. And ridiculousness ensued.

Then I checked my email and sighed heavily. See, I've been having a problem, dear readers. I teach at the school I attend, as well as at another school. And at both places, my name is different. School with the Unfortunate Acronym lists me as my married name. Which is my name now, according to social security and all those places that make names official.

At my own school, I have some things in my married name. This includes my ID, my bill, my MA and my own roster. But for some inexplicable reason, my paycheck and my name as it appears on course schedules is my maiden name. I filled out a change-of-name request 2.5 years ago- obviously, my stupid ID is in the right name. And no one can tell me how to change my name on my students' rosters. I am trying to something without a set protocol!

Ugh. So not only are they unsure which title to use (Ms., Mrs., some give me the promotion to Dr.- not yet, my pets!) they also aren't sure what my last name is.

I find it helpful to kind of, well, I guess- talk to myself or about myself in class. A lot of students seemed to have forgotten my name halfway through last semester. So I make it a point when I'm lecturing to say things like, "And I know you're all thinking to yourselves, Prof. X done lost her mind!" or "But Professor X, didn't you say last semester that the Romans...?" Along those lines.

So imagine their surprise when they try to email me and can't find me in the campus directory. I have no idea if they've tried to mail me anything, because my mailbox says my maiden name. AGGRAVATION, bitches, aggravation.

On a side note- I am now sufficiently freaked out. They've asked me to open my summer session II class to grad students. And? The class is closed for undergrads. CLOSED. SUMMER SESSION II. JULY and part of AUGUST. Probably because I'm teaching about the figure in contemporary art- it's sexy, appeals to the art students, and hell, I'm cute!

But GRAD STUDENTS. I'm a grad student. It's only my third semester teaching, it's a three and a half hour class (omg!) and GRAD STUDENTS will be there. Scary. And exciting. At the same time.

Excuses, Excuses

2007-04-04T10:31:00.000-04:00

Ya know, I almost wish they'd lie to me.

In a way, I like that I'm the kind of prof you can come to when your boyfriend breaks up with you, or when you boneheadedly forget to do an assignment. I guess they feel this way because I often ramble about my own student days when I'm talking, or that I'm not that far off from their age (though they constantly remind me that I'm not as young as I think... but I digress).

But I just can't relate to someone who overslept for an exam. If I had, I wouldn't tell the professor. And if I did, I'd hightail it to her or him in the middle of the exam without brushing my teeth. I would not email him or her when the class is over and she's sitting in her office trying to eat a soft pretzel and not bother the chick she shares her office with.

Anyway.

I try really hard to remember what I was like as an undergrad. Even in my first semester of grad school, I was pretty clueless. I'd go to class all smoked up, I'd disappear for an hour, go back to my room and take a nap, I'd not do assignments.

I also had disasters happen to me. My roommate's computer ate my paper for an AH class- not once, but twice. My grandmother, whose hospice care I'd been helping with, died the night before I was to give an hour-long presentation in one of my grad classes. My cat walked across one of my drawings, leaving footprints all over the surface.

I've overslept for classes, and that's not that big of a deal to me. But an exam? I don't understand. And when a student oversleeps for an exam, they invariably blame late-night studying for their alarm failure/setting it to pm instead of am/not hearing it, etc. In fact, they tell me they were up all night.

Hello? Up all night means that you're up since you got up yesterday. That your caffeine-addled brain (at least a pot of coffee or 3 Red Bulls full) probably won't shut off when the exam is over. That you probably didn't brush your hair, and if you're a girl, you should be using a writing implement to keep your hair back. You should be wearing layers upon layers of clothing, completely inexplicably. You shouldn't smell very good.

This is the root of my annoynce, I think. Not even putting enough effort into my class to pull a true all-nighter. Where's the dedication?

Of course I'm joking. A little.

A very semi-regular dose of art

2007-03-28T21:14:00.000-04:00

I haven't written about art in a while (Didn't I used to do a semi-regular dose of art? Something like that?)

Anyway, I give you Antonello da Messina's St. Sebastian. I LOVE martyr portraits, and this one is particularly fitting for me. I don't mean to complain- do that enough in real life- but I am still hurting pretty bad from my pox. My plague. My pestilence.

So I want to hear your thoughts on these images I steal from other websites, I mean, put up for your viewing pleasure.

Comment! Comment!

To Whom It May Concern:

2007-03-25T18:14:00.000-04:00

Dear Bus Company who hauled me and a group of students to the Metropolitan Museum of Art yesterday-

Thank you for your excellent service. Willie, our bus driver, made our trip quite enjoyable. We had a pleasant experience, we on time and didn't get lost once.

Sincerely,
Professor Art Nerd

Except by "enjoyable" I mean "super scary." I don't know what that tollbooth did to him, but scraping the side of it with his bus seemed kind of rash.

Also, by on time I mean almost an hour late. Which is in part because the bus arrived at 8 to pick us up, and believe it or not, it takes a wee bit of time to load a bus up, even with only 17 students.

This situation was exacerbated by the scenic trip down random, rather bus unfriendly streets in New York City. The Met is at 85th Street and 5th Avenue. I'm not sure why we ended up at 110th and Central Park North, but eventually it all worked out.

Also, sir, the EZpass is not a magic wand, no need to wave it wildly in the air at the offending tollbooths, Harry Potter.

Overheard on campus

2007-03-17T19:27:00.000-04:00

A for real conversation, brought to you by the nutty professor-

Actually, "overheard" implies that I had to try in some way to hear what this girl was saying. I didn't- she was flat out screaming into her phone. Good lord, woman.

Young Chickie in Uggs and Sweatpants- So, like, it's totally over between me and Mike.
Person She's Screaming At- blah blah
YCiUaS- Yeah, because, like, he's a loser. He goes out drinking like, two
nights a week!
PSSA- blahhhh
YCiUaS- I mean, he has to realize- ya know, when you turn 25, don't you kind of look around and take stock in your life? Don't you realize, like, HEY I'M OLD NOW, I need to be more responsible!

Oh my God, ya'll. I've been kidding myself, thinking these kids wouldn't take me seriously because I'm only 28. I am ANCIENT to them, for real.

I'm depressed. I'd ask you to send wine, but apparently I'm too old to drink.

A pox, redux

2007-03-13T19:35:00.000-04:00

Last entry, I think I spoke too soon.
A car crash in which I was not involved- ha!
A day in which I was 12 minutes late to school- haha!
A day in which I felt like a sucky teacher- hahaha!

Last week, I did not know the meaning of Rough Week. Now let's try on for size a week in which I got... wait for it... A Medical Anomaly. (which is not all that unusual for me, really). You may recall, if you've been reading since last July at least, that I had the shingles last summer. Well. I think you may know what I'm about to say.

I fucking got the shingles. Fucking again!!

Come on, now, gob, how much of this can one person take?! I think it may be mother nature's revenge for my extremely mild case of chicken pox in first grade. I remember it, and I remember not feeling bad and being able to count on my fingers the number of pox on my body. Pretty much, I had a free week off from school, and I got to eat lots of cereal. That's it.

Now. Oh my Lord, now.

It hurts this time, you guys. It itches and it hurts. I feel pathetic and gross. And depressed. And gross. And gross.

But! I did not mean to bring you down, just make you aware of the reason I haven't written in a million years. I was having a hard time with the whole blogging thing, feeling worn out in general, and on the Spring Break from hell.

And now? Fresh material, plans for at least 4 entries and, I'm sure, plenty more to talk about. Just wanted to 'splain myself, if anyone is left, that is...

Rough Week

2007-03-01T13:30:00.000-05:00

Ugh, what a week I've had. Feeling like the most inept professor ever right now.

Among the frustrations-

Tuesday- fricking digital slideshows were completely messed up. As in, only the top half of some images would download, no matter how many times I tried quitting and restarting. Also, images that I know I selected never showed up in the files. And? The images I did have were out of sequence.

Wednesday- Big accident on major road I have to take to get to campus. Or a breakdown, it's kind of hard to tell. All I know is that there was a big pickup truck with flashing lights and a cop behind it. And for some reason, the cop left him blocking a lane and a half. Was 15 minutes late for class.

But here's the crazy thing- The Students Were Still There! Well, one was trying to sneak out as I walked in, but five of the six students I have were still in the classroom. I always thought that if a prof was 10 minutes late, you got to leave, no counting as a missed class. Apparently this school says 20 minutes. I felt a little bad, then, walking in at the brink of a free day off.

Thursday- today. I have a hellacious earache. Like, stabbing pain in the head kind of thing. And a slight fever. So I cancelled class. And I feel like a jerk. If it were another job, I'd still definitely call out. But I feel bad if people traveled to campus only to have their classes cancelled. Though I did send out an email about 2 hours before one class started and the other class was an afternoon class. They all emailed me back with obligatory "Get well soon, prof" brownie emails.

Bring on Spring Break, please!

I'm a brat and my laser pointer is out to get me

2007-02-19T19:15:00.000-05:00

So I realize I sound like a total brat in that last post. I guess it bugs me when my mom is hurt or otherwise not well because she acts just like my mom-mom. And we had to take care of her for my whole life. And my mom usually rails against that behavior. So when she gives in to it, I just... lose it?

Anyway, on to bigger and better things. See, I'm having technical difficulties in class. In all my classes. The piece of technology is rather simple- it's not a projector issue or a computer issue. It's my stupid frickin laser pointer.

See the worst thing is that it only. acts up. at school. Ya know, when I need it. I was teasing the cats with it just last night! But today, when I was giving the world's most boring lecture on castles, it gave up on me.

I've tried batteries. I even bought new ones, forgoing the cache of batteries we found in mom-mom's house when she passed, even though they're dated to 2007. It might be that the new batteries are from the dollar store?

But it's so so embarrassing because they're not that expensive. But since it works when I'm home, I never go out to get a new one. I swear I'm technologically literate. Swear.

CAA or my mom busted her ass

2007-02-17T20:27:00.000-05:00

The College Art Association conference was this week in New York. I had plans to go on Thursday and Friday- cancelled class and everything. I went last year, too, in Boston, and it was...ummm...interesting? I guess? As interesting as conferences get. I've only ever been to this one, but I assume that all these professional conferences are the same deal- go to be seen, attend lectures on other people's research, and schmooze. Bleh. The best way to tell if a person is an artist or an art historian is to check the shoes- art historians wear awful shoes. As a discipline, we are very frumpy people. (Except yours truly, of course!)

This week was the week of SNOW, glorious, class cancelling, snowday-creating SNOW! It also made my parents' front steps really really slippery. Unfortunately, my mom fell on Wednesday and hurt her back.since I'm the one in the family who a.) will put up with her bed-ridden orchestrations of housework and b.) doesn't have a conventional job, with the days off already and everything, I had to stay with her.

Oh. my. god. My mom is a pain in the ass! She very much likes to boss me around- this is nothing new. She and my sister have been bullying me around since, like, forever. But my mom's requests are just too much. For instance- she needed her covers adjusted so that the extra comforter was a perfect right angles to the mattress! And she asked me to do a load of whites for her today- 7 times in the span of a half hour. The same half hour that I was cleaning up her kitchen and folding her darks!! Demanding doesn't begin to describe it!

I'm looking forward to Monday- even though I have to talk about castles, it'll still be a relief to get away!

No longer locked out!

2007-02-15T10:25:00.000-05:00

Praise jeebus! I was locked out for a bit, but now I am back. Part of the problem may have been that I sort of forgot my username. And now that I have a gmail account, I am sort of confused about which user name to use.

But who cares about all that? You just want to know what it's like to prep three classes at two different universities. Or do you?

Truth be told, I'm reading textbooks and taking notes like a crazy person. I'm just about to the part of the semester where my two intro classes start to overlap, and coming up after spring break, the class I designed myself will discontinue lectures and start with student presentations.

But that's not what I want to talk about either! I have some crazy students this semester, y'all. And? I think I can blog about them in non-specific, threat-of-doocing-free terms.

For instance- a student made it known to me that she has some sort of social anxiety problem. It makes it very hard for her to get up in front of class. She says it's on file, so I contact Disabilities Resources. The by-the-book thing to do, right? Because in-class presentations count for a total of 40 percent of the grade, and I really didn't know in what way I could adapt these requirements and still have them be fair to all involved. So I tell her of the procedure, which she as the student needs to initiate.

Nope, she just wants to handle it the old fashioned way- "Well, this is something I'm just going to have to deal with. I'm a senior and I can't get many accommodations in the working work (to some extent, I agre- but she is an art major... so in what capacity she'll deal with the regular working world, I don't know) No, I think I'll just start my anti-depressants again." And it was one of those things where I reacted like, oh, okay, because I mistakenly thought she'd made a REASONABLE suggestion of solution.

What the hell?!

Best purchase at the Target dollar spot, ever

2007-01-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

When I became a professor, I decided that I'd be the cool professor who carried a stapler with her. I mean, hey, I like office supplies, and a stapler is a very nice thing to own, right?

I thought I'd lend it out to people who had taken their test apart (why do they do this?) Maybe some people would try to hand me an unstapled paper. Then maybe I'd charge them for the use of said stapler. An old trick I learned from the IHM nuns who taught in my school.

I never in a million years thought I'd have to use it to staple my pants shut. On the second day of class. And this particular pair of pants was already a bit big (thankyaverymuch, 8 year old cousin who suggested it was for the opposite reason that I lost my button). I've never been so scared; luckily I managed to spare my student the sight of my ass. For now.

I do as I'm told

2007-01-22T14:12:00.000-05:00

Teacher Lady over at Sex Ed in Higher Ed hath decreed this week to be National Blog About Your Favorite Low-Profile or Underrated Actor Week. I kind of miss doing assignments, so here goes my submission:

You must know by now that I am a complete whore for HBO series. The exceptions being the Wire (too sad) and Deadwood (too western, cocksucker). You may recall how I walked around dazed for a few days with the end of Six Feet Under. One might expect this entry to further celebrate my love for Peter Krause, who played Nate in the series.

That's where you're wrong. Not because my crush has died, but because I'm going further underground than that critically-acclaimed, mucho-celebrated series. My new favorite show on HBO is Rome, and it is mostly due to the fine acting skillz (see, mixing the high and the low culture there...) of one Mr. Kevin McKidd.

Love this guy. I love that his natural speaking voice is a thick Scottish brogue. (Scots have brogues, right? Or is that the Irish? I AM Irish-American, I should know this stuff!!) I love his strawberry blonde hair, whic really sets him apart from the rest of the cast, who are mostly Italian or English. Also, I love his character in the show.

He was in many other movies, of which I've only seen Trainspotting. Now, call me what you will, but I really only needed to see that movie once. I just know that Kevin McKidd played the soccer player. I'll never watch it again, even if you tell me that he AND Ewan MacGregor are naked, together, in the film. Even then. i'm that serious.

I love the way he plays the character of Lucius Vorenus, and his relationship with his best friend Titus Pullo. The Augustan period is one that I've studied in-depth, so I know a lot of the history that goes along with it (although I am not one of those dorks on IMDB that points out historical inaccuracies or anything). Vorenus' journey, which parallels Caesar's in the first season and Octavian's in the second, is less familiar. He's taken a dramatic turn from upstanding family man to evil "son of hades" collegium head (collegium is the mafia of antiquity). Seriously.

It also doesn't hurt that his now deceased wife is SMOKIN hot.

homina-homina. Their relationship was tender and sensitive and wonderfully played.

So, ya'll, watch Rome and see my friend Kevin McKidd. I promise that if they renew it for another season because of the surge in viewership this post is sure to cause, I will have a Rome viewing party at my house. Or I will continue to gush about the series here on Mondays. One or the other!

um, hello, blogger?

2007-01-19T21:14:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday, I wrote a whole post on my new pain-in-the-ass weeding out addition to my first day of class activities. A half-page questionairre that asks for the usual info and a carefully worded- Anything else I need to know? It'll take a while to figure out, but I'm going to tentatively say that it worked.

I know it's hard to imagine, but Blogger seems to have eaten it. It's gone. It was good, too! I told you about my two new least favorite words- Senior Scholar. Translated- an old person who comes to your class to test the limits of both your patience and your knowledge of the subject area. And? This person is in both of the classes I teach at my own school.

But you can't read it. Gone! Poof!

I've been trying to write an entry about how I'm the hottest professor ever, anywhere, but I can't concentrate right now. There's a concert going on behind me. My 8 year old cousin is over, and she's absolutely LOVING Karaoke Revolution Party. But mostly loving hearing her own voice projected through the television. If I ever hear "Play that Funky Music, White Boy" or Ashlee Simpson's "Pieces of Me" again, it'll be too soon. Send help. Or ear plugs

The dreaded document

2007-01-07T20:50:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it. I've been pretty sunshine-and-roses about the whole teaching thing. There is one thing I really hate about it.

Writing the syllabus.

I hate doing this. I've been "at it" (and by at it, I mean reading other people's blogs, chatting with friends, and being in the general vicinity of the computer without actually typing anything) for a few days now. I have one completely finished, but it doesn't really count because someone who has taught the class before forwarded me his syllabus, and I changed all instances of his name to mine, and fixed the dates to relate to this year. I've completed the course outline for the second syllabus, and the third? Well, the outline is filled out in relation to the dates the class will be meeting, anyway.

Of course, this is all kinds of bad, because I've left to last the syllabus I'm designing myself. I have some syllabi from other schools that I'm using for reading assignments and things like that, but of course I'll skew it to artists I know a little something about.

God, I hate doing this. The worst part is the introduction to the syllabus, or the "cover your ass section" as I like to call it. I have some re-wording to do of last semester's syllabus. I feel like I have to clearly state everything, and have a policy in place for just about every excuse and mistake that can be made.

Late paper? 5 point deduction for each day late. But does that include weekend days? I don't know. working on that one.
Miss an exam? Must contact me before the exam starts by email in order to begin arrangements. Working pretty well. Stole it from one of my favorite profs.
Attendance? Now see, this one is rough. I don't care if they come to class or not. Really, I don't. But there is a 10 per cent part of their grades that is based on attendance. But I don't like to keep roll, this ain't high school, ladies. So I'm also still working on this one.

I fear a growing syllabus. I also fear not covering something and have it throw me. And mutinies and people barfing in class. Among other fears. But this part of the semester is the worst part.

Except for the part when I have already made 30 copies of the syllabus and find that I've, oh, maybe, spelled my own name wrong. That may or may not have happened.

I think I'm cute, anyway.

2007-01-04T15:13:00.000-05:00

It seems that, much like I am with my myspace account, I am a taker, not a giver.

Wait, that sounds wrong.

But I like it. Deal!

Anyway. I love reading other people's blogs. Love. It. And I guess I feel pretty un-interesting in comparison. Or something. Just like I love to collect friends on myspace and never write to them. Unless I need something.

Oh well, new year, time to start over. But there really hasn't been much to report! Unless you want to know about the hellacious cold I had between Christmas and New Year's Day. The one that seems to be coming back right. now.

Oh, I did have a moment that could be loosely dubbed as academic, since, remember, wikipedia counts this joint as an academic blog and all. Ahem. I am not rated on ratemyprofessors. And I am sad. I think I secretly wished for a chili pepper or two. I AM CUTE DAMMIT!!

I wish you all could see the one rating I got on myspace though. Well, those of my readers who know me in real life can certainly find it. Anyway, I am, apparantly, amusing with my high heels and corny jokes. I am also accomodating *read: a pushover* and I understand that the little dears have other classes that are MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY OWN.

Huh? What?

Lovely. I really want that kind of reputation. Obviously the review came from earlier in the semester, or this child is extremely unobservant. Perhaps they mistook the hobbling I did because of my cast for hobbling in high heels. So perhaps I am not dealing with someone whose critique, if not anonymous, I would value anyway.

I don't know. I just want a damn cherry pepper.

Christmas meme is here!

2006-12-23T19:30:00.000-05:00

1. Eggnog or hot chocolate? Hot Chocolate for sure. Egg? Nog? ew, just ew

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just put them under the tree? Wrap, put them in a decorative bag or box. Merchandise under a tree is just weird to me

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? White.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? fake mistletoe, but yes, it's here. With a bell that hangs down, which bonks Kev in the head every morning.

5. When do you put your decorations up? Usually, I start early, like the first weekend of December, but then get wrapped up in the end-of-the-semester rush, and finish up on Christmas eve eve.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? My mom makes spaghetti and ravioli. I prefer that so much over turkey, and now that I go with the ILs for Christmas, I like the leftovers!

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? My sister and I used to seriously practice peeking down the stairs at our Christmas presents. In our pjs. Every night of December. And the worst part was, when I was really little I couldn't even see down the stairs, until I got glasses.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I think I started suspecting something in second grade, but by third I was secure enough in the knowledge to actually tell my mom. Actually, that is another great memory of Christmas, shopping for my sister, from Santa, with my mom. And we got four Christmases out of it, because we had to sit my sister down when she was in fifth grade and tell her. I'm sure she didn't still believe, but I think she just didn't want to get hosed on Christmas if she let on.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Kev and I used to open each other's gifts on Christmas Eve, but now that we live together we've inherited stocking duty from our parents. So now we wait till after we see my nephew open his gifts. Oh, and the gifts from my aunt, we always do those on Christmas eve.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree? Is it just me, or is this worded funny? With a RAY GUN. No, seriously, this year, with feather garland and sprays of pearls. Oh so pretty!

11. Snow! Love it or dread it? Only love it when I get the day off school, and have no reason to leave the house. And Kev's able to be home with me too. Then, it's lovely.

12. Can you ice skate? I broke my foot by tripping over my own feet- I will never attempt this, much to my former hockey-playing husband's dismay.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Kev and I were engaged on December 23, 2001, so that was a very nice present. Platinum, round diamonds, princess cut sapphires, and my mom-mom's center stone. Very nice! And he bought me a keyboard one year, because I off-handedly mentioned once that my mom threw out mine and I was pissed.

14. What's the most important thing about the holidays for you? I really love to give gifts. And getting together with the family, and spending lots of time with my mom. I love being an aunt at this time of the year, too.

15. What is your favorite holiday dessert? chocolate chip cookies, pumpkin pie and Aunt Sue's cherry pie. mmmmm

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Christmas morning, opening presents at mom and dad's house with my nephew, and then breakfast followed by a nap. Heaven!

17. What tops your tree? Um? It's hard to describe, and in words sounds hideous, but really, it's cool. It's abstract, kind of like an old-fashioned ornament, that adds about 6 inches to the height of the tree. And I just got it this year, and the damn thing didn't fit on the tree. But I made it fit, oh yes I did, because we'll have our house by this time next year and can get a taller tree.

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving? he. hehehe. he. he. Giving. I just don't feel like I give good enough reactions a lot of the time. And I don't really like people watching me all expectantly. My bridal shower was hell for that reason (and others!)

19. What is your favorite Christmas song? Religious: O Holy Night. Secular: Santa Claus is coming to Town, by Bruce Springsteen :) And the whole Charlie Brown Christmas soundtrack.

20. Candy canes? Thank you, no.

21. Favorite Christmas movie? Charlie Brown, The (animated) Grinch and Rudolf

Submit

2006-12-20T20:27:00.000-05:00

Am done! With the grading, with the exam-giving, with it all! My first semester as an instructor is pretty much done for.

Except, you know, the fallout from the grades. Teacher Lady wrote about the "morning after" phenomenon recently, and I must admit I have the same dread. As soon as I hit the submit button, I knew I'd get emails. So far only one, though there are a couple of usual suspects, as well as student who has dropped off the face of the earth.

But I have to wonder (like how I'm channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw?) why do students believe in things such as the finals fairy? You know, the finals fairy, the mythical being who helps all those who fuck around for the other 3 grade-carrying components of the class, comes in the middle of the night, much like Santy Claus, and bestows upon them the chance to score a perfect 100 on the final. Which will impress me so greatly that I will say, yes, I believe this little darling deserves the A! For the Final Grade! No, let's just give him/her an A on the next semester's component, too, and not waste all of our time.

I have to say, I was often surprised by the final grades I earned in college. But I went to art school, and my surprising (good, bad and otherwise) grades were always in studio classes. In studios, at least in my school, you often didn't know how you were doing until you were finished, at the final crit. But my students know what they got for the two other exams, and for their semester-long project. And they should know that if they left three quarters of the exam blank, the finals fairy must have skipped over their dorm room the night before. These kids today!

6:11 comes in AM?!

2006-12-16T06:11:00.000-05:00

Ugh, what is art nerd doing up this early in the morning on a Saturday? When she is supposedly on vacation? Christmas shopping, what else?

Please, send coffee. ughhhh

Taking the whole "vacation" idea seriously

2006-12-14T21:15:00.001-05:00

My family, who has continued to bother me ad infinitum with their chores, their kids, and their shopping, doesn't believe that I am on vacation. So I guess, in my nerdily rebellious way, I revolted against the blogging. But really, not much has happened!

Okay, so there was my one student, who is a total calamity, who suddenly needed to take the exam a full week before everyone else. Which was annoying, because I had to go in to school. On my vacation.

Then there was my cousin, she of the multitudinous trips to the hospital to have her baby. She actually did have said baby this time (grand total of hospital visits- 5. This is her third kid, y'all. The trips to the hospital grow in number exponentially with each fetus, I swear). And she then proceeded to kind of abandon her other kids, ages 12 and 8, on us from last Monday through Friday. Between my mom, my sister and I (because that's what this house needs- more bodies! Why they didn't bring a cat or two with them, I'll never know) we had to get them ready for school every day. And since her daughter's school is a block up from Chez Crazy, she's been sleeping here every night this week, too. I have an 8 year old, didn't I tell you?

Also, there is the little matter of Christmas being 11 days away, and every time I got out shopping, I come home with dumb crap like eye drops or socks or Tylenol Sinus Congestion and Pain (what's with the highly descriptive names for over the counter drugs anymore? Also, not feeling the "cool burst" feature, which feels more like heartburn than sweet, sweet relief. Note to Tylenol- no more fancy coatings, you aren't Advil!) I have ideas for everyone, now, I think. Except for...

Oh, and also, Kev is my hero. I wear the diamond earrings he gave me to wear on our wedding day always. Never take them off, not even in the shower. They are so pretty and sparkly. Imagine my surprise when, today, I was bored and pulling on my ear and noticed that my right earring was MIA! Apparently pulling on my ear is something I do a lot, since recalling feeling them in my ear last night in Circuit City and Target helped me to deduce that the Lost One just had to be somewhere in the house. I woke Kev up and told him. I'm usually of the mind that, dude, things are things and don't be all that emotionally involved. But the thought of not having those babies any longer REALLY upset me. Really. We tore the bed apart, we found a cat we didn't even know we had (in the form of tumbleweeds, of course!) and I did a lot of praying to St. Anthony. Kev was all busting on my Catholic superstitions, and I was sure to tell Tony that he was the one saying that, not me and don't punish me, for my husband knows not what he does, and all. Of course Kev finds my earring, on the floor of our bedroom, probably where it landed after falling out of the blanket that entangled it in the first place. I hate it when he's right, or vindicated, or whatever.

So, that, in a nutshell, has been my week. A quick question for the readers, because as you should all know from reading my blog, "academic" types often have no real knowledge of the working world, appropriate behavior, etc etc.

What constitutes "full time hours", to you? And before you say, duh, 40, everyone knows that, just know that NOT EVERYONE DOES. And that shall whet your appetite for tomorrow's post, to be posted tomorrow at work. If I have a job, that is.

Hello? Is it my cheesy love song CD you're looking for?

2006-11-30T19:36:00.000-05:00

So, ladies and gentlemen, this is my playlist for my entry into Frema's Hello? Is it my Cheesy Love Song CD You're Looking For? CD swap. I posted the list a while ago, but am editing it on Wednesday, December 6th, with the rationalizations, erm, I mean, REASONS for their inclusion.
I Wanna Be Your Lover- Prince
Don't ya just love Prince? This song is excellent, with a corny disco-infused, skippy beat. Featured on Art Nerd and Kev Dawg's Wedding CD, disc 1. (What, only two volumes? I know, I disappoint myself!)

For Once In My Life- Stevie Wonder
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie. This song is lovely, but the wall of sound-style production really is what lends this song the cheese. Holy backup singers, batman!

I'll Be There For You- Bon Jovi
I live on the border of New Jersey, remember (well, they live on the border of us, really). The high note near the end, the lyrics- I hear your suitcase say goodbye? Livin on a Prayer was too obvious, but this song, I really thought Jon Bon was singing to me.

Brilliant Disguise- Bruce Springsteen
Again, it's the Jersey thing. A Jersey two-fer. No, really, I like Springsteen a lot, and for something that came out in the late eighties (I think? Tunnel of Love album, anyone?) it isn't too bad. Dragging out the word disguise to about eight syllables is quite a feat. Plus, claves!

Just What I Needed- The Cars
I am probably the only person in the world who identifies herself as a Cars fan. Damn circuit city for putting this song in an ad.

Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic- The Police
The Police are one of my bestest favorite bands. Love love love. This song is sweet and cute, but reeks of selling out. Plus, my dad used to always sing the part about "It's a big enough umbrella, but it's always me that ends up... getting weeeetttt!" I think "magic" here is code for "bitchy".

Big Me- Foo Fighters
A Mentos commercial for a video. Enough said.

Sweet Child O' Mine- Guns N' Roses
I really thought Axl was singing this song to me. Regardless of the fact that I have eyes of the hazel-est erm, hazel, not of the bluest skies.

I Want You Back- The Jackson 5
Michael, before he got weird. Plus, how cute is this beat- just try not to dance, just try!!

Do You Believe In Magic- The Lovin' Spoonful
And it's magic, if the music is groovy,It makes you feel happy like an old-time movie

All Night Long [All Night]- Lionel Richie
I don't know what's worse- the jeri curl or the fake african babbling. I think it's fake, anyway. Dude, the contest is named after him, how could I not?

The Way You Make Me Feel- Michael Jackson
Okay, Michael was a little weird here, but still looked human. Plus do we really think Michael Jackson was turned on by a girl? Don't buy it!

Every Rose Has Its Thorn- Poison
I thought this song was soooo deep when I was younger. And I was really enthralled with Bret Michaels, because I knew he is diabetic. This obsession began with Stacey from the Babysitter's Club. Blame Ann M Martin

I Want to Know What Love Is- Foreigner
Like you don't love this. Totally belt-out-able in the car.

Here I Go Again On My Own- Whitesnake
'Cos I know what it means, to walk along a lonely street of dreams? Cheese to the max, ladies and gentlemen.

I Got You Babe- Sonny & Cher
Art Nerd and Kev Dog's wedding song. For reals. Who cares if they later divorced, and separately became a drag-queen icon and a Senator who died tragically and in unfortunately slightly comical circumstances. And that I imagine Dorothy and Sophia singing this song dressed up for a mother-daughter pagaent on Golden Girls. Love!

Holiday- Weezer
Weezer was the soundtrack to my college years. And this song is SO RHYMY.

Two Steps Behind (Acoustic Version)- Def Leppard
Def Leppard is the most produced band, like, ever. And I love them for it. Plus, this song plays over the ending credits of my favorite music-related made-for-tv movie- Def Leppard Story: Hysteria. Yes it is available on DVD, and there are only 19 shopping days left, y'all!

And there it is. Hopefully everyone will get their CDs soon. I am That Participant, the one who's sent everything out late, because I suck and my brain has turned to mush.

All right, all right, so Christmas time IS here!

2006-11-29T22:55:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay, I know I said I wasn't in the holiday spirit, and wasn't planning on forcing it until December rolls around (still 2 days left of November and all). BUT! My nephew started a love affair with a new movie. We sat and watched Charlie Brown Christmas about 7 times today. He loves when Snoopy skates, and dances, and when the kids are all dancing to the song Linus and Lucy, oh man do we breaks it down. (An aside- I LOVE little kid dancing, which usually consists of the sticking out of big diapered butt and bouncing. Sigh, I want one. A baby, not a diapered butt, I'm a little young for that!)

The best part is that he calls the movie Shoo-pie. Which is both a strangely adorable mispronunciation of Snoopy's name and further confirmation that my sister gave birth to Cartman from South Park. You just have to hear his voice.

So I got to thinking about holiday time movies that I like. My all time favorite, which I watched tonight with my sister, is Scrooged-

Come on, Bill Murray, eighties capitalism, and a feel-good ending where the hard-hearted exec comes to Jesus, er, gets the Christmas spirit? ME LIKEY! It reminds me of when I was in 6th grade and had mono over Christmas. I know, I know, big slut ho. I have no idea how I got it, seeing as how I didn't even kiss anyone till later in the year. The other thing that reminds me of having mono is the movie Silkwood, which scared the bejeebus out of me when I wasn't feverish, and which my mom made me watch. I was very dramatic in those days, and was sure I was dying of radiation poisoning. Between that, the way I felt and the smell of the eggroll my mom had microwaved, I never wanted to curl up and die more in my life. So far ;)

Holy tangent, batman! Tell me, fair readers, what are your favorite Christmassy-type movies?

Oh the weather outside is... actually nice!

2006-11-27T21:43:00.000-05:00

I keep feeling this intense urge to go Christmas shopping. I feel panicked, because given the duration of the Christmas commercials' running on TV, it must be getting close. What should I get my MIL? What can I tell her that I want? Is this going to be a well received gift idea? Who am I forgetting? What about my flaky TA? And Kev, whose birthday is just days after Christmas? deep breath.

Then I look at the calendar, and for Christ's sake, it's STILLL November!

Honestly, is this Christmas season going to be interminable or what?! Neighbors have had lights up for weeks. Practically speaking, it makes sense for us, who actually do have wintry weather for Christmas, to put the lights up before it gets too cold out. It's been nice, and even my parents are going to put up lights this week, chronic procrastinators that they are. But the next logical step is not to light said lights, because it's not even December yet! Some of these people, no joke, have had their lights lit since after Halloween.

CRAZY TALK, I'm telling you.

I have bought about 4 gifts so far. But only because my mom makes me shop with her on Black Friday weekend. The only decorations up right now are the blue snowflake gellie things that stained my walls last year, so they remained until I can find the paint to touch the stains up. Oh, and some snowflake window clings that are on the "entertainment center" (read- crappy TV stand that came free with the TV, by Gob the ugliest piece of furniture in creation). I JUST noticed them as well.

In brief, what happened to Thanksgiving? I think I remember eating dinner, and turkey leftovers for eons, and the indigestion that comes with my aunt glorious once-a-year-is-all-that's-necessary cabbage salad, but it kind of got skipped over. I guess pilgrims don't sell as well as TVs.

In other news, I still feel bad about NaBlo drop out. It sucks that it ended that way- there were PRIZES involved, y'all. booo. But now I feel fresh, and the compulsion to phone it in is no longer present.

Tappin out, coach

2006-11-25T19:26:00.000-05:00

I suck. I plain ole forgot to post yesterday. Ew! What a lame way to go out. The least I could have done was sit here in agony with nothing to write, tears and blood streaming from various places. No no, I just went to bed without posting. Lame!

Tomorrow, I'll try to get back on the horse.

Spanks-giving-itude

2006-11-23T21:30:00.000-05:00

I'm still in a laughy mood, because dinner with the rents, the neph, the sis and the aunt were great fun. Kev always has the good jokes, and sister told many tales of her stint at the Macy's parade. So today I would like to express my thanks to the person who invented stat counters. Without you, I would not know that people happened upon this here blorg by searching-

covered in bird turd
pink cast
train crash yikes
coco crispies
mario lopez sour grapes

and especially
britney spears photos (with a high concentration of these hits coming from the United Arab Emirates). Yep, thank you.

I think this may be my last post of this nature, not least of all because I plan to go shopping with my mom tomorrow bright and early. I may not be all chipper like I have been the last few days. And also, this crap is starting to sound like one of those Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" commercials. Bring back the artytude!

Arrrghh!

2006-11-22T22:55:00.000-05:00

I know that sounds like a pirate, but it can also represent how flippin tired I am. Dozing off during basketball games is my new favorite pass time, and I am loving it.

Today I am most thankful for my bed, where I am now going to plant my sorry ass. G'nite!

thanks in the second degree

2006-11-21T22:22:00.000-05:00

Tuesdays and Thursdays I watch my nephew for my sister. She's supposed to be giving me some spending money for this service, but hasn't yet. Oh well. I like to do it, it's not too big of a deal.

My nephew is hilarious. He's smart as hell and has a lot of personality for a 17 month old child. He sings and dances, loves Sesame Street and the Golden Girls (hey, I'm doing my part!) and is generally lovable. Until my sister comes home, then he wants nothing to do with me. Or if my mom is around. Not so happy with me then, either. But when it's just me and him, I get unsolicited kisses and hugs and "laaar-y, I laaaa yooooo"s.

I'm thankful that my family is close both physically and emotionall (though they could be just a few blocks away). I'm so happy to be part of Liam's life, and such a big part, too. I wish I could have that relationship with my neice and nephew from Kev's side, but ah well. They live in the fabled land of New Jersey, and my relationship with those guys is special in a different way. Love love love the kids in my life!

Gratitude, part the first

2006-11-20T22:36:00.000-05:00

Today I will begin my (hopefully) week-long exercise of listing things for which I am grateful.

This evening was spent watching NBA games with Kev and dozing on the sofa. Sam joined us, sitting across from us on the chair that is supposed to be mine, but is now so thoroughly covered in cat hair that I've abdicated to him. Sophia even made an appearance, sitting still for a record 5 seconds. Here she was stalking a spider, but hell, she was near us and I'm going to call it family unity, okay?

I am grateful for time spent with my husband, for our sofa, for quality time that just kind of happens and for our TV that finally has NBA season pass, after years of discussing our getting it.

This Week's Forecast: Whine and Cheese

2006-11-19T21:19:00.000-05:00

First things first: Frema, I am so ready for this CD exchange. I just need Kev to make me something for an insert. Bring on my matches!!

In other news, I got my students' semester-long projects on Friday. Part of the assignment was to make some sort of container/handmade book to contain the project. I wish I could take some photos, but alas, FERPA and all that. I think it's okay to say, though, that some were REALLY really cool, including a leather book (project was Native American) and an honest-to-goodness Greek Temple! About 8 inches tall (note to self, in addition to height and length restrictions, add depth!) and made of wood. The report is contained inside. So cool

Of course, some are, erm, not exactly what I expected. Lots of objectionable materials (aesthetically, not like, rape scenes or anything like that!) on a few, and one is a massive box (well constructed, though!) that must have weighed about eight pounds. And I had to lug these things, all 40, across campus. Owww, my arms are still tired.

So I have my work cut out for me. I can't decide how to return these, either. Do I really want to drag them all in again? I think I will add a few points of extra credit to the student who goes with me to my car to get them.

Although, maybe I don't want them to know which car is mine. I mean, this is the first bit of writing I'll be grading them on (extended writing, that is). And in the past I've encountered almost every "excellent writer" from every high school in the area. What if they put two and two together and slash miss Salma Booboo's tires?

Which always makes me think of Rainman being an excellent driver, up and down the driveway on Sundays. So stay tuned for more Art Nerd rants, including, to be sure- Just What Are They Teaching These Fools in High School, Anyway?! and AIM Speak Is Not Appropriate for College Papers: True or False?

Sweet Freedom

2006-11-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

Warning- all those who dislike photos of quasi-anonymous bloggers' feet, leave this post right now.

Okay, so I never really told you all about my cast coming off on Tuesday. I am FREE!! Before...

After... (both the cast removal and a much-needed but very uncomfortable pedi)

And the sad-looking thing I left at the doctor's office...

I don't know why I thought I should take home the ridiculous rainbow shoe, but I did. Hott. I'm wearing it out next weekend, shit yeah.

I know it complained a lot about being in a cast- it's itchy, uncomfortable to sleep (I'm a stomach sleeper, yeah, yeah, I know, bad) and not the best fashion accessory. But even worse to my self esteem is the new, hobbling for no outwardly apparent reason Art Nerd. I don't like it. It's nice because people no longer express misguided sympathy for me (That looks like it hurts. Yeah, jackass? The grimacing tip you off?) but I also don't like sticking out for my hobbling gait. And have I mentioned that the school I'm teaching at this semester has a fashion department? Yeah, Uggs out the wazoo, tons of leggings and skinny jeans, and here comes fatass Art Nerd in her waddly duck shoes.

Wah wah wah, I know, I know. I have a lot to be thankful for, and I am going to feature some of those things on my bloggity this week. Hope everyone's weekends are rocking hardcore!

It's official

2006-11-17T12:09:00.000-05:00

I'm old and just slightly domestic. I'm sitting here at my desk inwardly squeeee! ing.

Stanley Steemer is cleaning the rug in the living room as I sit here not working. Wheeee! When I go home there will be beautiful pristine tan rugs where once there were beer-y, soda-y, small patch of resistant cat barf-y nastiness. I am so excited it's unnatural.

The thought just crossed my mind that I should have gotten before pictures, but no, I am too embarrassed. They were bad, ladies and gentlemen. BAD. But the situation is good now, or getting there. I hope they can get the splatter of candle wax out, too, that would rock the house.

It's usually at this point in the semester that my already not-great domestic skillz start to slack off. They kick right back in after all papers are submitted, graded, etc. Usually right in time to put up the tree. And compounding the usual slacking was my stupid foot (hey, did I mention I got my cast off on Tuesday? Sweet freedom!) No mas! Accompanying my newfound emphasis on balancing school with home is increased attention to my housework. I am never going to be a neatfreak like I was in college, but it's going to be better.

Don't worry, my quest for a new feature will not be satisfied by Housework Fridays, I promise. Ew.

Semi regular dose of art?

2006-11-16T22:48:00.000-05:00

We haven't looked at any art in a while, and boy is this blog in need of some visual stimulation! This is a section of a multifigured painting from a Villa in (or is it near? I'm doing this one cold, people!) Pompeii.

Ahhh, Pompeii. I've never been, but it's on my list of places to go. I am surprisingly poorly traveled, for an art nerd, but when we have money, boy will I be that pretentious person who's been everywhere, dahling.

So, look at this wonderful work of art. It's aptly titled the Villa of the Mysteries. I love figure painting from every phase of art history, and nakey females always rank high on my list of subjects. Even better when there's an argument on just what the hell is going on here. Is it an initiation ritual? It's not clear. There are humans and gods and goddesses, oh man, this stuff is great!

And look at the figures, aren't they beautiful? These things were buried under ash and pumice for almost 2000 years, we're so lucky to have them! Thank goodness for Vesuvius, no?

Please don't laugh at or judge me

2006-11-15T22:47:00.000-05:00

I know that this blog is not exactly known for its airing of my laundry, but everyone, I have a very dirty secret. I am only coming clean tonight because this love affair is now over. It ended tonight at 9:00 EST. One man won and another walked away, broken hearted.

Y'all, I was just totally addicted to Dancing with the Stars. Yes, I know it's cheesy. And I realize you can definitely misconstrue this wonderfully entertaining show as being pretty C-list stuff.

However, there is just something about watching people dance that makes me happy. I loved watching this show. I watched with my sister and my mom, and at first I made fun of them for liking it so much. But somehow I got hooked. I'm not proud.

Now that my secret is out, can I just tell you how loud I screamed and yelled when Emmitt won? I pretty much always root for the underdog, but even moreso when he's just so darn likable. Emmitt seemed like he really enjoyed himself, and he probably wouldn't be all bitter and heartbroken had he not won.

Even better than Emmitt winning? Mario Lopez losing! I HATE him, I hate his jerkoff face, I hate his jerkoff attitude. He was so cocky. And that "romance" thing he had going with his partner- uh, yeah, dude. I'm not buying it, that was sooooo for the cameras. You suck. Now he's being all sour grapes about losing. There was an interview on my local news with him. He said something to the effect of thinking that this contest was about the best dancer. Ew! What a douche! What a cocky prick, and his partner, ew hate her too. Hate her so much that when she comes on the screen I am compelled to yell HATTTTE. Ew. Ew.

So let's have it readers. What is your TV dirty secret?

So what do you want to do with the rest of your life?

2006-11-14T20:49:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty down on myself for not really working on my exams. I am so lost, I have but no clue what I'm supposed to do. Really. And it doesn't help that my closest friend in the department doesn't know either. And? She's been studying for a year. Oh no!

But I've come to a realization. I am pretty young. I think I have some time. And there are other things in my life that take priority over self-imposed deadlines. I had originally planned to take the damned prelims this spring. Standing in my way is the fact that I've signed on for another class at the school I'm teaching for now, and also I have two classes, one of my own design, guh! at my own school. Owwww. When in the hell am I going to study, I can't even get started with my one measly prep! One advantage is that the course I'm designing (read- googling madly for other peoples' syllabi) is related to my proposed specialty.

Well, ladies and gents, I've decided. I think it's more important to get a house than it is to get my exams over with. I want to do them well. It's the only time in my life where I get to study, and I am going to do that to death.

To get a house, I need to teach. I need to build up contacts and pretty much take every job I can get. If I continue to do so, Kev and I can get a house. And I think a house would certainly help in the "being-able-to-study-more-effectively" department.

I am trying to relax about the whole process. I think I need to take my time in grad school. I am young and need to take this time to build up some contacts, get some conferences in, and enjoy my time as a non-tenure seeking individual.

I even think a baby might fit into this equation. What better time than right after we get a house to procreate, right?

Trying to get through really fast seemed like a good idea at first, because I guess I had something to prove. But there is more to life than a PhD. I want to live my life, and I want to stop living on hold. So what if I have to apply for extensions of time.

I am thrilled with my new plan. I feel like a load has been lifted. And I didn't even freak out when my stupid private loans came due. And I can't defer them, and I basically need 600 bucks like yesterday. I was in collections? My gah, I really thought I could defer forever, but I guess not. Oh well, at least those Stafford loans are still deferrable.

I'm not sure this is going to work

2006-11-13T21:54:00.000-05:00

so I'm not going to compose a very thoughtful or ground-breaking post. But I can't get to my blog right now, but thank goodness for the back button, so I found my dashboard.

Dude, this so counts for NaBloPoMo. Eff you blogger, you sizz-uck!

2006-11-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

All about the cheese

2006-11-12T12:24:00.000-05:00

Go here and do this, you know you want to!

I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to put the button on my sidebar and have it link back to the post and all, but I haven't yet figured out how to do this. I blame Frema for me not posting on Friday night. I thought I had, but lo, I had only spent about an hour putting together my ultimate cheesy love songs CD. The original list would have made two CDs, but I didn't want to be a ham. I'm now kicking around ideas for album art. (My husband works in CD manufacturing and is a music geek to boot, what did you expect?! I can't just send out a CD-R with "Art Nerd's Greatest Cheesy Love Songs" scrawled in sharpie!) (Maybe being a little bit of a ham there). I can't wait to get mine, yay yay yay!

In other news, I'd like to finally have my own blog header, and I hereby commission Kev to do it. I have a tagline in mind, I just have to figure out the specifications of a blog header- how big, etc. Liberal Banana is still up and has those links, so maybe before, oh, I don't know, the end of the year, I'll have an awesome bloggity blog blog header. Don't you worry. I realize how cheesy it is for someone who supposedly holds a BFA to have a crappy blogger template, but remember, I am a grad student and an adjunct instructor to boot- buying my own skin is not high on my list of priorities. I would love that, but alas, no.

So this entry, it is all about the cheese, eh- both giving it to others and taking it away. Happy Sunday, everyone!

Damaged, squared

2006-11-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

I didn't know it was possible, but ladies and gentlemen, I've done it. I broke my cast.

Let me emphasize- I BROKE. my CAST.

There's a bigh hole in my heel, and up at the top on the underside of my foot, there's a lengthwise crack. And various lateral cracks and peelages.

Did you know this was possible? It is, and my god I've done it.

Also- Three days to go, and I'm getting scared about getting this thing off. I know, I've bitched and complained about it a lot, but I'm scared of how it's going to feel when the cast is gone. I dread waddling around without a bright pink cast on my leg even more than I did with my fiberglass appendage. All the unwelcome attention that I still haven't really written about is far better than what I've built up in my mind to be excruciating pain without any outward indicators of injury.

I know, I'm crazy. Hold me, readers. sniff sniff.

Crap!

2006-11-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

I forgot last night. Ooops. I suck, I am no longer hardcore. I remembered at 1 o'clock last night, and though I'd fallen asleep on the sofa, I hadn't gone to bed yet, so maybe that still might have counted. But I couldn't form a coherent thought, so I skipped it.

Back on the wagon! Maybe I'll just try to have 30 entries for November. That's still a worthy goal, yes?

I always feel like...

2006-11-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

Sophia's watching meeee!

Sing it to the tune of that "dude-who-sounded-a-lot-like-Michael-Jackson-and-was-kinda-his-protege"'s "Somebody Watching Me" song, and it's funny.

I think it is, anyway.

This is Sophia, peeking around the corner of my laptop while I was taking notes for my lecture a few days ago. She's a creep, isn't she?

I'm a little swamped with stuff right now. The substantive content will return tomorrow! NaBloPoMo is about quantity, not quality, yes?

Jerks

2006-11-08T22:07:00.000-05:00

I've been a little leary of getting into specifics about students. I'm not going to now, either, but I just wanted to preface my bitchfest today with a little disclaimer that I'm not trying to get dooced or anything. i'm not going to talk about students, but focus more on my own experience in the classroom. I just wanted to set up my philosophy about writing about school, mainly so that you realize that I know there are other people in my classroom than just me. I'm not being self-centered, I'm protecting my ass :)

So, yes, Augustus went well. I had some makeup exams to give, so I did that, and then accompanied my sister Santa shopping for her son. That was so fun!

When I got home, I had some emails in my inbox. Some were ones that I'd been expecting- one student I've been working with closely, she's had a rough semester. Another student explaining why he hadn't been in class today.

And then.

The jerky requests for extensions on their semester-long projects. Not only are they asking 2 days before it's due, they are not asking in very nice ways. Well, some of them are, some aren't.

This is what I told them, and please weigh in with your opinions. I basically told them that it was up to them to turn their projects in. If they gave me a paper on Monday rather than the due date of Friday, I'd have to penalize them (minimally) for professionalism.

In truth, I don't care if they give me their papers on Monday. I'm not even going to look at them until the Final final pres next Friday. But? A deadline is a deadline. They've known about this since the beginning of the semester, ya know? And, since I'll be teaching at this school again in the spring, I'm being extra careful not to get a reputation as an easy teacher.

Wait, easy is probably not the word I'm looking for. Push-over? But anyway, the jerkiest email pointed out that I'd allowed a small group of students to take the exam a day later. I had done that, yes. But these guys asked me, in person, adult-to-adult. I obliged. And I'll tell ya, that exam was harder- not only in content, but in the fact that I had to have them take it in the library. Distractions and crappy photocopied images instead of dead quiet and a lovely powerpoint pres by yours truly.

So, how did I do, readers? Am I still too soft? A big ole bitch? i'll be hearing about it sooner or later, they do fill out course evals, after all.

I hope this isn't considered cheating, or meme-ing

2006-11-07T22:08:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I am set to teach about Rome, for the love of gob, something I know something about! Woo to the hoo, baby!

I'm starting with the Republic and its demise, including some about Julius Caesar, and then on to one of my favorite historical figures- Augustus. It's funny that most people know Julius Caesar, who was killed before he did most of what he'd planned. Augustus had a much greater impact, especially visually, on Rome. And he lived to be in his 80's- plenty of time to do some damage!

It got me to thinking- which historical figures I'd like to meet. Because you can usually tell a lot about a person by who they pick, blah blah blah psychobabble-cakes.

But he's really my only one. There are artists that I greatly admire, but I don't want to meet Degas- he is thought to have been a horrible anti-Semite and misogynist. Maybe if I put in a proviso that I'll only meet him if I can dispel those myths.

Manet- oh to sit with him while he painted those late-in-life still lifes. But he was kind of a pain in the ass.

We all know how I react when I meet people I admire- hello, nearly threw up on the artist I wrote my thesis on. So I think I'll stick with just one. I like my illusions just fine, thanks.

Of course, I'd like to meet my Grandpop and Pop-pop as an adult. And my dad's mom, who died before he and my mom married. I imagine her speaking with an Irish accent, which my dad says was only the case when she was angry. But they're not famous.

Readers? Who would you all like to meet? I'd give you up to five. Go!

Making frieeeeeends, for the world to seeeeee...

2006-11-06T15:33:00.000-05:00

I love NaBloPoMo!

Not only do I have the freedom, nay, the need to post anything, just to have a post on the day, I met some new friends!! Ladies and gentlemen, behold:

RoRicka
Sugared Harpy

Two more art historians in the house! As per her comment earlier today, Roricka and I have formed a gang of rogue art historians. boo-frickin-ya, ya'll. And? In checking in this morning between classes, I found that my bloggy is mentioned on wikipedia under "academic blogs". And then the entry throws around words like pedagogy and techy things, and I'm all, "Huh?" Because really, they just throw us in a classroom and let us fend for our damn selves. I'm working without a net, here! And the academic talk around here is basically a random smattering of tales of the kind of ass I made of myself today in front of class. Oh wikipedia, you silly silly bitch!

And in other, related news, I think my BFF from grad school might be moving back to my fine city. And not only that, but might be moving to a sublet that is about 4 minutes from our house! I'd die, just die if she were that close. I'm gushing, and I'm so not a gusher.

My house smells like mulled cider, not from the actual thing, but from the candle I bought the other day at Lowes. Mmmm, beautiful! The end

Damn my breadth of knowledge of crappy 80's music!

2006-11-05T20:39:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I am slated to teach about the Etruscans. I have to emphasize how they never formed a real nation, it's just a bunch of connected but separate city-states.

And their art is fascinating and beautiful and very strange. See?

I love it!

But damn if I don't have "I am Etruria", sung to the tune of "I am the warrior" by Scandal stuck in my head. Crap.

A Tale from the Trenches

2006-11-04T14:18:00.000-05:00

I think this story is much funnier if you know me IRL, but I think you, as readers, kind of get my personality. I am pretty damn laid back. I'm not one to fly off the proverbial handle. I am non-confrontational to a fault. I am, in other words, a big pussycat.

That being said, listen to the gist of an email sent to me by a student.

Let me preface this (cause you know, one preface isn't enough) by saying that I still find college freshmen fascinating. I am railing against burnout so badly. I was like them once, not-so-long ago (1997 to be exact) (wow, that makes me seem older than I really think I am) (Good Christ with the parentheses, woman!). Anyway, so yeah, love the freshmen and their crazy ways.

Dear Prof
Hi, I'm sorry I wasn't in class today. I commute from New Jersey, and traffic was heavy today. I made it to campus 10 minutes late, and since I KNOW US GETTING TO CLASS LATE ANNOYS YOU, I JUST DIDN'T COME. blah blah excuse cakes, your student, suzy overslept.

There are several kickers to this story. The least of which is that I really don't tend to show my annoyance. I asked this big group of guys to be sure they arrived on time exactly once. I said, hey, guys, I'm here and starting class at 10, you should be here too. Not exactly a blow-up a la my mom pre-Prozac.

Here's the second thing. NJ is not some mythical land, somewhere between Babylon and Timbuktu. Know how I live in the city of Philadelphia? Well, if geography isn't your forte (and apparently it's not this girl's), it's about 4 feet from the border between PA and NJ. I am sensitive to the needs of commuters, I was once one myself. And? I totally took the bus with wet paintings in shopping bags with a bunch of bitchy girls from the private academy. I know commuting, honey.

The most ridic thing about this note is how she tries to pin this on me. Don't want to incur the wrath of the Art Nerd, best not to come to class at all than risk that. Who ever thought that 10 minutes late would be a reason not to go to something? I will have to try this one once myself.

I mean, really, have you ever, in your life, tried to pin your absence from class on your hostile professor who is SO NOT HOSTILE, at least not then, anyway! Hmph!

Can I whine?

2006-11-03T18:10:00.000-05:00

It's about the thing on the bottom of my left leg. I want it off. Like now. Not on November 14, but right now. And making things worse is the fact that I'm pretty sure this stupid thing isn't healing right, and? I have premonitions that on November 14 I'm going to go to get my cast off, and my (awesome!) doctor is going to say, too bad for you, you get 2 more weeks.

See, I'm a pisces, we're known to be a little psychic. I could really be right ya know.

It's such a pain in the ass to be casted. AND? Since most of you don't encounter me in daily life, like in the flesh as it were, I can tell you that this. thing. stinks. BAD. Like, two weeks-ish left to go and I can now smell it under my desk, stinks.

I'm sorry, innernet, but it's true. IRL friend Andrew, or Fraulein N if I ever run into you, I'm really sorry. Truly.

And I'm sad because I feel extra frumpy because I cannot wear cute shoe. (not shoes, and that's on purpose) It's either a sneaker or, heavens to Betsy, a crappy clog of the Crocs knock-off variety for me. I'm trying to own the foamy shoe look by accenting with fun socks, but it's a feeble attempt at best.

And Frema looks so cute in the picture, I want my F-me booooootssss! Wah!

Okay, I'm done. I promise not to talk about the cast again until it comes off. With the possible exception of one more entry floating around in my head on how people like to talk to those who are injured. Seriously, if it's this bad now, I can only imagine when I am pregnant!

I just hope his mom doesn't go there with the chunky soup!

2006-11-02T22:04:00.000-05:00

I used to go to a very nice dentist whose office was located in his basement. It's really not as shady as it seems, lots of the end rowhomes in my city are converted into retail/medical offices. He was nice, remembered me from visit to visit, and sang *profoundly off key* as he was scraping my teeth.

When I got my own medical and dental insurance, I had to switch- he didn't accept my new plan. When I went on Kev's insurance, I could have switched back. The truth is, I felt bad about switching in the first place, and I can't handle rejecting another dentist.

Not that my new dentist would notice. I think everyone in the city goes here. The waiting room is always packed, though I never wait very long. The practice is so weird and machine-like, I don't even know which dentist I see, and it's always the same one. RIGHT? That's weird. There are a bazillion hygenists, four doctors, eighteen receptionists and a flat panel TV on every wall surface. This office has swank, while the old one had charm.

I was checking in on Halloween to have my filling fixed (Booooo that sucked!). As I was paying, my eyes fell on a stack of charts. Presumably of those who had been in the office earlier in the day. Well, guess whose chart I saw?

And can I say that I don't think this is a common name? And he does have rather nice teeth, and I am proud that I share a dentist with him (possibly, since I don't know my dentist's name).

Donovan McNabb. Of the Eagles. Oh yeah.

He's on the left here. Nice teeth, no? I am so not switching now, and OMG everyone me and D Mac are on the same dental schedule!!!! whee!

NaBloPoMo, you say?

2006-11-01T21:47:00.000-05:00

NaBloPoMo is an acronym (and one rife for double entendres, if you ask me!) of National Blog Posting Month. I have signed up for the challenge, which entails updating all my (5) readers on my not-so-exciting life. I hope to get at least to the teens before reverting to memes and "hey, ask me questions!" posts, but I'm so not promising anything.

So, hi, then, what's up? I gave the second exam today, and there was this boy sitting in the back. Tall kid, sandy blonde-ish brown hair, indie haircut. I HAD NEVER SEEN THIS KID BEFORE IN MY LIFE. Not. a. clue as to who he was. Or who he was supposed to be.

See, I'm prone to, how do you say, ah, yes, overreact? a bit sometimes. It's my mom's fault, she taught me how to get my Irish up at a moment's notice.

I had myself convinced, CONVINCED! that he was taking the exam in someone else's place.

My mind was racing. What do I do? Do I confront him? Ask to see his ID? I am so serious when I say I have nevah! seen this guy before.

I came up with a plan. I was passing out the outlines I'd looked over after the students handed in their tests. I will just ask, casual like, what his topic was. If he didn't know, he wasn't Student! I am brilliant, I think. Masterful. They think they'll put one over on the young-ish teacher, ha ha, I'll show these goofballs.

He walks up to hand in his paper. I take a look. And I must have visibly relaxed.

The paper was only half filled in. Well, I think to myself, I guess if this guy doesn't pick better stand-ins, I'll just let this exam speak for itself. No need to confront.

I went home and realized that he isn't doing well at all in class. I guess I just didn't recognize him because he doesn't come to class all that often.

Happy NaBloPoMo, everyone! I want comments and love, please, in that order!

Ay ay ay

2006-10-28T22:14:00.000-04:00

IMG_3426.JPG
Originally uploaded by Art Nerd Lauren.

Ain't it hot? I somehow didn't add this to the post below, but this is the new bane of my existance. Behold its pink fiberglass-y ness. Yikes

A Hobbling Hiatus

2006-10-23T21:34:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the unplanned hiatus, but you know what is hard? Walking in a cast. Because ladies and gentlemen, meet my albatross:

Yes, that's fine hot pink fiberglass, all packaged nicely in a rainbow fucking shoe. Whaaaat? Why? Please know that if I had realized the reality of the walking shoe before I blurted out "Pink!" when the Dr. asked me which color I wanted, I would never have chosen something so loud. Oh my guh, people, I am a walking, well, hobbling, freakshow.

So, how about them ancient Greeks?! That's what I'm teaching now. They don't seem to be too into it. I'll have to think of something to do with them Wednesday to put them in a better mood. If corporate drones get cases of the Mondays, I hereby and forthwith coin the phrase "a case of the mid-semesters" to refer to the general malaise that my students now face. They're showing up late, if at all, and falling asleep. They have an outline due Friday, an exam next Wednesday, and crits for their studio classes this week. And a broken instructor who tries to make up for her immobility during class to crack jokes about the bodies on the geometric Krater looking like Doritos and the pantheon of Greek gods and goddesses like being on the Jerry Springer show.

They do look like doritoes, no? Doritos? hrm.

Anyway, I also had my first cry-er today. She's sad, she hates the program, is transferring and switching to a more practical major. I kind of didn't know what to do- she needed a hug, but I did my best to reassure her, verbally of course, that the new school she was transferring to was great (my friend Regina went there and loved it) and that if she needed to switch her major to just do it. Erg.

They're all being really nice to me about my cast, getting me my mail, talking more in class, etc etc. They are a good group of students, too- lots of A averages, it's impressive. But I am sure I will have amusing tales to tell about what their paper projects will include. And the Greek names are always good for a larf, too.

I also showed my ass

2006-10-16T19:45:00.000-04:00

Remember when Teacher Lady wrote about the showing one's ass phenomenon?

Well, I did that today. Except not in the metaphorical sense. Literally, I think I showed my ass.

Now, let's begin at the beginning. The beginning of this story is Saturday at 1:30 pm. I am trying to leave the house with my mom and my nephew. I trip in my apartment (over a shoe, that place really is a pit). Should have taken it as an omen. Because as we're trying to leave for the store, I pretty much just fall out of the front door. With Liam in my arms. I thought I broke him, but he really just has a scratch on his nose. (Andrew, I promise, I won't walk while holding your girl, honest!)

I, on the other hand? Ass over teakettle, totally fell on my face. My ankle? Is so effed up. Will follow up with an orthopaedic dr tomorrow. I am in an Aircast and crutches. Which, strangely enough, given my exhibited grace in the beginning of this story, I AM NOT GOOD AT CRUTCHING. This comes into play with the showing of the ass.

Lucky for me, the injured ankle is on my left, so I can drive to school. Thanks Gob. But, actually getting into the library (and across the parking lot to the library) proved exhausting. As I was about to get to the door, I noticed one of my students in the doorway. He is a nice boy and was waiting to hold the door for me. I got in the front door okay, and was able to, in a most dignified manner, hop down the steps, 9 in all.

This is where it gets, um, unfortunate.

There is a set of double doors, the vestibule, and then my classroom's doors. Between the two sets of doors, I wiped out on my crutches. Seriously wipee out. Like, flat on my ass, have no idea how to get up, and oh my god these pants are a little big on me kind of fall. So one of my students just might have seen my ass today. I think he deserves extra credit, no?

When he helps me to my feet and opens the door to the classroom (mercifully window-free), EVERY student is looking. I do know how to make an entrance, baby!

Look, over there, to your right!

2006-10-13T13:57:00.000-04:00

I've fixed the Links part of my template, by giving it the old college try. Then banging my head on the desk. Then asking for help. Then it not really helping. Then, I gave up and changed the damn template, started over again, and viola! The linkies work.

Some of these blogs are my staples, and some of them I intended to make daily stops. I found them when my boss and coworker (or 2/3 of my office) were on vacation. And then my blog went batshit crazy, and I forgot about them. But! With much resolve, I will tackle expanding my blogging universe, again!

Am now taking suggestions- what blogs should I be reading?

The Good Times are Killing Me

2006-10-08T00:47:00.000-04:00

So, Kev's band played in NYC Friday night. It was fun fun fun, but I've realized how very old I've become. At 27, it now takes me two days to recover from staying out until 6am. I slept pretty much all day yesterday, and I'm still really slow and bleary-eyed right now. I have a lecture to write up, about 30 exams to grade (thank god I told them to give me a week!) and my bed is calling out seductively.

But I used to work at the deli for a 10 hour shift, standing, with no break (hello child labor laws!!) on about 2 hours of sleep. And then go out that night to repeat the cycle. And? I used to smoke a lot of doobage then, too!

I also realized how socially anxious I can get. I was FREAKING OUT about the number of people in the club. Holy crap, it was cramped and HOT in there! My sister came with us, and when she wasn't barfing in the bathroom (ten beers in the bus on the way up will do that to ya, I guess) she helped me to breathe through the fear. I am the worst. rockstar. wife. evah.

In other news, I've realized that I seem to always post on Mondays, then get wrapped up in the week and forget until Friday or Saturday. So I am now committed myself to being a long-weekend blogger, posting things on Fridays through Mondays and that will have to suffice for the week. I am not going to go all philosophical and quit blogging altogether (hey, I'm just now starting to teach, this is a WEALTH of material that grad school just didn't provide!!). I'm just going to realize my limitations- which, to be fair, have less to do with school and more to do with watching my nephew and playing with him, let's be honest!- and commit to something more do-able for me. I wish blogger had a "Publish on" button like typepad does. Meh, potato, potatoh. I hope you keep reading!*

*This is not a shameless call for sympathy or "Art Nerd, we love you" comments. I don't think. :)

Technical Difficulties

2006-10-08T00:03:00.000-04:00

If anyone knows why ALL THE DAMN LINKS on my posts and on the sidebar link to myblogyourblog, thusly not working, gimme a holler, okay? Thanks!

What do NBA tattoos have to do with Egyptian Art? I'll tell you!

2006-10-07T20:14:00.000-04:00

Gave my students an exam on Wednesday- a first for me! Oh my god, I was so nervous. I actually had to excuse myself from the exam (when only a few trustworthy girls were left in the room) to go to the bathroom. That nervous. They seem to have done well, at least my smaller first section did. Three As, three Bs, one D and two Fs. The two who failed have a story that is worthy of rate your students (thanks professordog for clueing me in to this site!) Something about lending out a copybook full of class notes, a soccer game very far away, and the resultant not studying (apparently not only on the part of he of the lost copybook, but also of the copybook captor).

The copybook captor is the same student who, for the first two weeks of class, would listen to my lecture with a horrible scowl on his face. I was sure he was listening to me talk, trying to gather clues as to which car I drive in order to slash my tires or something. Pure HATRED in his eyes. Then, at the end of class, he'd get up and say, "Thanks, prof, see you next time!" WTF? All nice and sociable like! Weirrrrrd.

I start teaching Egypt this week, and I am so amped for it. I LOVE this material, and it's so fun to teach. All the death and mythology and good stuff like that, added to the story of King Tut and how he wasn't really a pivotal historical figure, his tomb just happens to have survived, and my "think about the IMPLICATIONS of this little fact, people! What do we really know about the ancient world, who have we missed, just imagine!" spiel. And I get to show a photo of Rasheed Wallace, who has just about the coolest tattoo I've ever seen (besides Kev's, of course).

See, it's like the relief of Akhenaten, and he shows his children, which is an innovation of the Amarna style, and omg, this is such cool stuff, kids!!

I had a dream that they were all really really into my lecture. I hope so. It's unfortunate that this particular field of study doesn't lend itself too readily to really awesome interaction in the classroom, but hey, maybe if I come across as really enthusiastic, it'll rub off?

Fun with email trickery

2006-10-02T20:00:00.000-04:00

So I emailed them, and they break down as follows:

one student swears she sent it, some sort of "problem" with her "school email", but I did get it from another email address. hmmmm
two students completely forgot (points for blatant honesty almost cancel out deductions for lateness. Almost)
one left who I haven't yet heard from

So I guess I'm now the "nice" teacher, which I'm sure will translate into "walked all over", but thems the breaks, I guess. I'd still like to read Teacher Lady's brilliant comment-that-Beta-ate, but I went ahead with my gut, and for the most part it worked out.

What is it with people thinking I know nothing about email? I don't know that much about technology, but emails that are sent are usually received. The others aren't in my junk mail, and the university server or whatever did not eat them. Whatever, it's not the biggest deal, but I hate being thought of as stupid, ya know?

And another thing? Why do they insist on sending me email from hotchocolatelovin or rainbowbrite(year-these-youngins-were born.com)? They have perfectly good school sanctioned, boring ass emails for school type use. Even then, some of them change those aliases (aliai? aliae?) Anyway, please, college freshmen, I think you're fascinating, but I don't want to know which 80s cartoon character you identify with, and the ones with blatant sexual innuendo? PLEASE cease and desist! It's icky for me, more than you know. And this is the girl who relishes the chance to write the word "cunt" in papers to make her advisor sweat. This is saying something, y'all

What to do?

2006-10-01T19:37:00.000-04:00

Good news about the OBSERVATION, everyone- I am not fired! And? I was offered another section to teach in the Spring!! Continuing what I'm teaching this semester, from I guess medieval to maybe Renaissance or Baroque architecture? I don't know. I'll get the syllabus soon. So that's 3 classes, I am officially booked for the Spring! And I will be being PAID, dollah dollah bills, y'all! I'm so excited

This week, I've been busy returning students' email. They had to send me their preliminary thesis statements for their semester-long project. I received most of them. However, there are 3 that haven't sent them in. I'm debating whether or not to email the students and ask them where their thesis statements are. But I don't want to be the kind of teacher who treats them like babies. It's not the biggest deal, I'll be taking points off the "professionalism" component of the rubric, and it doesn't weight too heavily on the grade.

So, readers (if I have any left, because, like I said, Blogging his hard, y'all!) what do you think? Of course I'll ask my supervisor, but just wanted some interwebnet opinions as well. I'm torn, because they don't need me to hover, but I don't want these students to do badly in my class. They need to pass this in order to continue, or they become a year off in the already 5 year program. I'm listening!

Nerves= completely wracked

2006-09-25T21:46:00.000-04:00

So today was the EVALUATION. I was so nervous, the event certainly deserves all caps. It went fine, though not spectacular. Dept Head was only there about 15 minutes, and when I read the written eval, I'll keep that in mind. How well/shittly can I have done in a few minutes, really? This is my grain of salt.

My TA is a flake though. This is the second time I stayed after class to meet her, no big thing, I just wanted to say hi. Nada. Never called, no email now. I hope she makes my copies for me for Wednesday. If she keeps standing me up, I'm SO NOT buying her a Christmas present. For. Reals.

Kev got a tattoo today. It's ginormous. So big. I'll post a picture when he and his arm come home. I have decided that I am going to get my own tattoo, probably with this guy. I am worried, however, that I'll be allergic to the inks, seeing as how I can only use unscented soaps and detergent. Perhaps I shouldn't make a lifetime commitment to having a substance under my skin. Ya know, for eternity?

In other news, my Good Friend Andrew (formerly of Sheepshank) and his wife Nicole had a baby this weekend. It's a girl, named Kira Noelle Mariposa. She's beautiful, I can't wait to meet her. I have a link up to his blog, over on yonder table, but it's in some way all effed up. Any suggestions on what I did wrong/how to fix it, I'm all ears. Actually, all hair, I'm having the Frizz Problem again. Holy hell, my hairdresser needs to come back from vacation, doesn't she know that my appearance was the most stressful consideration of the EVALUATION today?!

Lauren's Secret

2006-09-22T19:46:00.000-04:00

Well, the honeymoon's over, ladies and gentlemen. Whine whine whine, I have to be observed lecturing this coming Monday. Perhaps this is so my supervisor can make sure I'm not teaching the students to make bombs or hosting early-morning keg parties or something. I dunno. But he wants to do this in the next week or two. Dun dun dunnnnn.

Problem being:

Mon- I've planned a short-ish lecture on MesoAmerica (not at all my strongest subject, and sure to be lackluster in my performance)- followed by a quick run-through of the course site and a quizlet

Wed- review for exam

Mon after that- Yom Kippur- we're off

Wed- the exam

So, naturally, he took my suggestion of the Monday after that, (when I lecture about Egypt, and will be super dorkily into it) put in in a neat little box and packed it under his bed. He's coming on Mesoamerica Monday, and I now have to weekend to fill out my lecture.

Owww, agita. But! I am going to buy a new and professionalish looking shirt for the occasion, and perhaps new shoes as well.

So here it is, a previously well-kept secret I have for boosting confidence when presenting. Sexy underwear. Because then, right there, you have an advantage over everyone else in the room, who do not know about your cute booty! Far better than imagining the audience naked, which, given their ages, seems more inappropriate than bomb making and keggers, by a long shot.

Blogging is, like, totally hard sometimes!

2006-09-20T13:39:00.000-04:00

Argh! Don't worry, I am not signing off or anything, but I have been very very scattered recently. I have to get into a routine, and while it's starting to come together, I haven't made time for blogging in a bit. Or studying for prelims, but oh well!

RE the groundhog- his name is Henry and I may have made my peace with him. We'll see, as long as he stops going nose to nose with my cat!

RE the teaching- have had a couple of good classes, but rightthissecond, am freaking the fuck out. My boss would like to observe me, and I hate hate hate that. And what's worse, he wants to do this in the next two weeks. Well, in two weeks on Wednesday(my natural inclination to be putting it off as far as possible!) I'm giving an exam. Monday is Yom Kippur, and we have the day off (wow! A religious holiday, something my own fine institution would nevah grant!). Okay, so that's out. Next Wednesday is the review session/ "how to write a thesis because omg that part of our project is due on Friday- shit!" workshop. So that leaves Monday. As in 4 days from now. And? AND?! I'm lecturing on Mesoamerica, something I know precious little about. And I am going to give a practice test. Bah! So this is conceivably one of my rockier lectures, and he wants to observe me then? Ohhhh noooooo!!

I finally got them to talk today, which was very nice. I'm going to start doing this every class, because now that I'm more comfortable with them, I want to get to know them. I am getting better about waiting for them to talk. I feel a little like they're testing me, and I don't think they know the infinite patience I possess. I will win.

And since this section of the class is my weakest area, I've been preparing for class a LOT. Very dependant on my notes, which totally frickin sucks, but I can't do much about that. I can't WAIT! to start teaching stuff that I'm more familiar with. But I like this teaching thing, all in all. It's tough sometimes, but I can admit now that I was deathly afraid that I'd get to this class and realize that I had wasted my time in grad school. I want to be better for them, and though I'm more than a little afraid of the criticism I'll receive (in this observation and in the course evals), I have to do it so I can be better for them.

outro- sappy orchestral music, and the audience chants- Laur-en, Laur-en, Laur-en (a la Ru-dy, Ru-dy, Ru-dy. Except I'm not a not-too-bright but very nice football player. Or something)

So not a nature girl

2006-09-11T17:12:00.000-04:00

I've lived in the city of Philadelphia all of my life. In fact, I've lived in the same zip code for most of my 27 years. I am very much a city girl. This fact became blazingly apparent when my boss started looking for a house. Being of suburban origin, herself, she became interested in lot sizes and the elaborateness of the yard (art historian, can make up own words, remember?). I'm all, "why?" Because stuff like that is not really important to me- ya know, trees and grass and stuff.

This being said, I have to say that there is just one thing about living in the current house we have that disturbs me. In general, living in a single house has many advantages over living in a rowhome. For instance, I can vaccuum at whatever time I want to, I'll only disturb those who live in the house with me. And I can also build any furniture at any time, for the same reason.

The ginormo lawn at this house doesn't bother me too much, nor does the pear tree in my neighbor's yard that shits little pears everywhere.

Rather, it is the vicious little creature that steals the pears. We have a groundhog, y'all. For serious. Bill Murray/Andie MacDowell action up on our street, and this ain't Punxatawney. It's the strangest looking animal I've ever encountered, and it bothers my cat when she's in the yard.

Seriously, why do I have to share my yard with this?

Please, send help

Tidbits of fun

2006-09-08T12:03:00.000-04:00

There are quite a few things I've been meaning to write about, but right now I am at my only normal job. This might be one of the tidbits, which will commence, in list form, startinggggg....now.

1. I've acquired the supposedly extra-cash gig of watching my nephew on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I haven't gotten paid yet, but it's very fun. Except when he has an earache. Which he did yesterday. This lead to the bizzarre event of me reaching in my bag today and pulling out a (clean, for goodness' sake!) diaper. I DON'T HAVE A KID. But I do have a carseat. And apparently, the means to change said kid I don't have, should the need arise.

2. I picked up the two copies of my thesis that I had library bound. I look like a REAL writer, woo hoo! I may take photos, if I can find a way to blur out my last name and the university (ya know, teh interwebnet crazies and all) and still have an interesting image.

3. I gave a really boring ass lecture on Wednesday. I felt like a turd standing up there, all blah blah blah. (Hey, did you know that there are no pictures available of Charlie Brown's teacher that I could post here? Weird! Did we ever see her? I recall shoes, at least.) Nevah again! Luckily, there aren't too many lectures that I have to give that I know nothing about- Native American architecture is Monday, but it's a little more understandable to me, and I'll be more animated if I have to have espresso delivered by IV!!

4. There's a guy in my first section who stares at me the whole time I'm talking. I think he thinks I'm the biggest idiot in the whole wide world. Hatred, I tell you. Then, when we're finished? Thanks me and tells me to have a good day. CRAZY! I know.

Well, that may be all. No one will ever read this blog if I don't get in the habit of posting something (awesome) every day. Blah! Off to WholeFoods for lunch! Viva las organicas! Or something

First Lecture

2006-08-30T11:51:00.000-04:00

Gave my very first lecture today. Guess which of the following happened-
a. I got soap on my shirt before my lecture. This also happened before the first class
b. Got a little tongue-tied
c. My voice became froggy
d. I tripped over a length of cord
e. I made this image comparison:

f. Reminded students that I grade their exams and projects- it would behoove them to laugh at my jokes
g. Totally fell in love with teaching. Until someone falls asleep that is!

If you answered all of the above, you are correct. And creative, because it wasn't even a choice! I think I like my new job. I mean, I'll be better when I can talk about the Greeks and Romans. There isn't a whole lot to say about Paleo- and Neolithic art. Not enough to fill up an hour and fifteen minutes, anyhow. Oh man, gob help the students when I get to Rome, though!

happy happy happy

Professor Nerd if you're nasty!

2006-08-28T14:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, so here you go, a photo of me on my ver first day. Do I look official? And, Heatheradair can you tell that a boy took the special shot of my shoes for you? Dorkus, you can't even see the fun cork wedges. And my feet are, in real life, really small for my height- why do they look ginormous here?

Anyway, I may have forgotten to share, but I came up with an idea for the last page of my syllabus. I asked the students to fill out some standard questions, and then had them sign a sort of contract. It states that they've reviewed the syllabus and are aware of their responsibilities, policies pertaining to them, etc. Steal my idea if you want, I don't mind!

One of the questions asked them their class status. Uh, there are 9 students in my first section, and most of them are sophomores (1 transfer, one freshman).

THEY ALL SPELLED SOPHOMORE WRONG. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.

There were a few sophomores in the second section, and some of them spelled it right. But in a class of 9, there's nowhere to hide.

And we're off!! Let the academic silliness begin!

T minus 10 hours...

2006-08-27T22:06:00.001-04:00

Have you ever been nervous because you aren't nervous enough? It's not to say that I'm not at all nervous. But I'm not, like, freaking out about tomorrow. Yet. Probably as my head hits the pillow, it'll come over me.

The same thing happened on my wedding day. I was so calm and collected. I even forgot to print out copies of the readings, because I was sitting and gabbing with my bridesmaids. That is, until I got to the back of the church with my dad and the flower girls. Then, this happened...

I hope I don't look this scared tomorrow. I was one hundred percent sure that I was doing the right thing by marrying Kev. This whole teaching tomorrow's leaders thing, who knows?

It's all the Coco Krispies' fault!

2006-08-25T12:17:00.000-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, my ass is dragging today. I woke up late for work, but somehow managed to stop to fill up my monster rental car's tank (jeebus, 50 bucks, and I got the damn thing with 3/4 of a tank! On Monday! And I didn't go anywhere!) I got into work about 10 minute later than normal.

However, the fog that I woke up in made me make a terrible choice for breakfast. Coco Krispies. Because I am eight and I like cavities, okay? I think my blood sugar must have bottomed out, because it's only 12:15 and I am ready for bed.

It could also be that I stayed up late last night to catch the first hour of a festering turd of a movie. Mona Lisa Smile, have you seen it? I mean, strike one is the presence of the always lackluster, completely insipid Kirsten Dunst. I've hated her since I saw her on Teen Celebrity Jeopardy quite a few years ago. She is dumb as a bag of hair, y'all. Strike two was the cheesy plot- art history professor changes the face of Wellsley, in some weird way. I dunno, predicable much? And strike three was the resultant nightmare I had, in which I got to my first class of Architecture and the students knew more than me. Eff you and your thousands of sparkly teeth, Julia Roberts.

I wanted to like this movie. It let me down, big time. I'd seen the end before, but was interested to see if the crappy ending had a mitigating first half. I guess I don't have to tell you it didn't. And it's not that I have very high standards for movies, it's just that I don't want to be preached at, even with a message I agree with. And also, that Pollock was SO FAKE. Yes, you can tell. ew.

But Maggie Gyllenhaal- might have a bit of a girlcrush on her. A double header of that and Frida, starring the woman I'd definitely turn lesbian for, might be a special and magical night.

I can't wait to get home. Kev needs to take a picture of me, because today, I am dressed as the quintessential art history professor. I look silly, and feel the need to share it with y'all. Till then!

No, not dead! Just lazy!

2006-08-23T09:40:00.000-04:00

Man, I wish I could say that I was busy writing lectures and syllabi, etc etc, and that's why I haven't written. The truth, though? Block. I hate it, but there it is. I haven't felt much like writing the last week or so.

But! Let's remedy this right now. I'll tell a story. A story about a rental car, and a dream crushed.

I am covered for most of the cost of a rental car for the time that my own baby is in the shop. The guy from Enterprise picked me up from the shop on Monday in the CRAPPIEST car ever. It was dirty, polleny and completely covered in bird shit. And it was beyond micro- a Kia Spectra. Shudder.

When we got back to the place, and I was signing my life over, the kid asked if I wanted an upgrade- to a Jeep Liberty. uh, yeah! So yay, for the same price I got this gigantic tank of a car, and it's super souped up. I left the moonroof thingy on vent today so it's not too hot. Leather seats get pretty hot sitting in the parking lot.

Anyway, while I was waiting, the guy and I were chit chatting. He asked if I have to go back to work. Yes, I do, I'm out at XXX school of art. Oh, he says, part of blank University, right? Yes. Then, get this, he says:

DO YOU TEACH THERE?

sniff. sniff sniff sniffle.

I have been psyching myself up all summer, thinking that the students won't know I'm the professor when I walk in. And this jerkweed guesses right away?

booo hooo!!

*stomps foot, pouts*

All was righted when the Slide Librarian mistook me for a student (an undergrad at that!) at the school where I'll be teaching.

Starting Monday.

Be prepared for freakouts, and some amusing Teacher Lady -esque stories.

You've been warned.

The trifecta is complete

2006-08-14T17:18:00.000-04:00

As you all know, I crashed my car Wednesday. On Friday, on the way home from work, I got a call from Kev. Rarrrr, the car won't start, blahhhh.

Shit! Two cars in one week, surely ye jest? No, it's true. But, thanks gob, the problem was not nearly as bad as the one I imagined as I sat, overreacting, at the dinner table. But an aside to any mechanics/tow-truck drivers- you might not want to ask a sissy girl like me to "put your finger here, I'm going to start the car up. Lemme know if you feel anything."

HUH? I'm sorry, What? Have you lost your mind? This girl, she worked for 10 years at a deli and never once touched a slicer. She's just that clumsy/non-mechanical/accident-prone.

But I did it. And a stupid wire came loose, and it cost like 38 bucks to fix. Score!

So, that's two things that I own and operate that went kerflooey this week. Partied this weekend with the BIL and his new wife, them of the Kansas wedding. Big blowout in which my mom played beer pong, and WON! Weird.

Came into work this morning, and am greeted with, "what'd ya do the computer?"

Uh-oh. I didn't do anything, of course, but I was the last to use it. Because I was alone, all aloooone last week. They come back with tans, I have a busted up car, a barely-still-running car, and now, one effed up work computer. And really pale skin, let's not forget that. With the remnants of 3 pimples from putting sunscreen on my face. Be ye not so stupid- buy something specifically for your face if you don't want Edgar the monster cyst chillin on your cheek for a while.

Now we're down to 2 computers for the three of us. Something about system logic? I don't know.

Isn't school starting in, like, 2 weeks? NO FAIR! I am officially pissed because we had no fun vacation. Is it too late to go away now? And, anyone have a sofa we could crash on?

MMMM.. Spaghetti

2006-08-11T11:24:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that when you bring lunch to work, you're exceptionally hungry at, say 11:16 am? Oh my gob, I'm so hungry. Must.. hang... on... till noon!

Just so you know, when you google for images with the word Spaghetti, there are two photos of chicks eating spaghetti in bathtubs on the front page. Must know more...

Crash-Boom

2006-08-10T10:18:00.000-04:00

Had a rather eventful ride home from work yesterday. I hit someone from behind. And boy do I feel stupid. My car looks ucky, though apparently I'm working on an old computer that doesn't have bluetooth, hence no photos till I get home.

But! I'm fine, the lady I hit (who, strangely enough, I used to work with at the deli) is fine. Her bumper is wonky, my front end looks like hell. Didn't even squish a bug.

So why am I still crying?

I really do think that the accident was unavoidable. There is a road, a busy one, with a curve in it. And as I was (Slowly, breaking for the light anyhow) coming around it, I heard Squeel! EEEERRRRRR! There was a car stopped, but two cop cars and a police tow truck (do you think that means that they stopped this person? There? Where there is no shoulder? I'm not sure, but the cop was awfully apologetic. hmmm.) So pretty much what happened was, car 2 in front of me stopped really short. Lady I hit swerved to miss him. I couldn't swerve to miss her, or I'd be in oncoming traffic.

I don't think I could have done anything differently. I'm not scared by what could have happened or upset that I hit someone I know. In fact, I'm a little glad that it was someone I know, not some psycho who'd get out of the car and start fighting me.

Why do I have the hives? Why are my shingles coming up again?

I think it's because I feel really. really. stupid. And dumb. And not smart.

And I 'm freaking out about insurance, too. Remember, I got a ticket, and my insurance hasn't gone up yet. What if it's crippling for me to continue driving? While it'll be good- Kev gets the car, and I take the train?- I think it would be really hard, especially for my longer trek to class in the Spring.

Sigh. I'm really beating myself up about this. Intellectually, I know there are worse things. But I'm the good one! Damnit!

I should be writing lectures, but...

2006-08-09T14:11:00.000-04:00

Instead, like a girl, I will worry instead about what to wear.

Specifically, to my female readers, what are some glaring omission in my working wardrobe? In terms of bottoms, I have

2 pair plain black pants
1 pair black striped pants
1 pair Khaki pants
1 pair tan pants with sage stripe
2 black skirts
1 denim pencil skirt
a few printed skirts, bold prints so I would only wear those once or twice a semester
1 pair denim pants - no back pocket, they're for wearing ONLY with long long shirts. Very bootylicious, these ones.

I have lots and lots of tops, sweaters, etc but am feeling a little sparse in the bottoms. Is two pair of black pants enough? I'm only lecturing 2 days a week, but I don't want to be stale, ya know?

Also, thoughts on capris? I start at the end of August, and though it could be cold in the classroom (I am in the library, after all) I am preparing myself to be hot. You know, what with the pacing and gesticulating wildly at the screen. I'm one of those very hyper, kinetic lecturers.

Anyway, just wondering what y'all thought a cute young art history professor might need in terms of wardrobe. I have a slightly hippy-ish skirt, but I'll be needing some scarves and brooches, and maybe a beaded string for my glasses. Oh, and glasses.

What say you, readers?

Morning Drive

2006-08-08T09:20:00.000-04:00

Today I had a pretty uneventful ride to work. Well, I was late as hell, but that's really nothing new. But I'm trying to be more observant about my world, so let's explore the ride from my home to the Digital Resources Center. (oh, yeah, the sli li changed names. score!)

Up there is a picture of my new car. I love her, but she is not named yet. She may be Salma, named after the actress I'd go lesbian for, and because my 6 is sooo sexy. I think she has an accent.

Anyway

So I was listening to the radio (iPod is for the ride home, I listen to preston and steve in the morning). They were talking about... I dunno, something.

Passed my good friend Andrew before the boulevard, he must have been walking home from work. He works over nights, because his wife is expecting their first baby. This way, he'll be able to have the baby during the day, and the wee one won't have to go to daycare. He's dedicated, that guy, and I love him!

Anyway, Andrew might want to know why I didn't say "Hi!" to him. It's not because I didn't try. I've made a discovery recently- I can't whistle under pressure. And I don't know why my first impulse is to whistle, but it is, and when I'm trying to get someone's attention from the car, I end up blowing raspberries at them, and it doesn't generally grab one's attention in the same way. Less, Hey, Lauren! More What the hell is wrong with that slobbering chick? Should she be driving?

Passed the lawn where, on the ride home yesterday, I say what appeared to be some sort of Wonder Woman parenting. I swear to gob, the mother lassoed her kid. Either that or he was on a leash, but the lasso seems less DYFS-y. Then on the same block I saw the tallest sunflowers ever. They were gorgeous, especially so close to a really crappy/scary neighborhood.

Then, in Dunkin Donuts, where I got an iced coffee and a bagel for lunch, I TOTALLY got busted looking in a one-way window (which, hello, those things never work!) by the manager. Ooops!

Now I'm sitting at my desk, there is absolutely no one here, and I'm bored. I have about a day's work to do this week, so expect many comments on all your blogs. I also challenge any lurkers to come out, because I am totally blasting through archives like crazy. Without my boss here, I don't even have to do a half-assed job of covering my internet abuse.

Let the slacking begin!

Happy Mood

2006-08-04T11:31:00.000-04:00

In honor of my very determined happiness, I give you a smallish list of things that rock my world, right now

1. Am loving using my iPod in the car. My aunts bought it for me for my graduation, and it sat in the box for a month. I came to realize that there aren't too many situations in which I can or will wear earphones. Added the iTrip, and oh my baby Jesus, what a difference. Now I can listen to the most awesome radio station in the world- my own! What other station would play, in this order-
Billy Jean- michael jackson
I'm Lonely, But I Ain't That Lonely Yet- the white stripes
If It Feels Good, Do It- sloan
Pour Some Sugar on Me- def leppard (in which I hear the phrase "sweet to taste, saccharine" as "sack of beans", Miss Teacher Lady
And the list keeps going! On the way home from work I heard the Police, Se7en Heads (my husb's band), the Allman Brothers and the Apples in Stereo. Fun!

2. the words diptych, triptych and polyptych (I'm working on a Renaissance project, and it comes up a lot)

3. My nephew, who has just in the past few days taken to singing his name whenever he's not saying something else. Liiiiiam, Liiiiiam.

4. My new haircut and highlights, which I got done by Kev's cousin's wife (My cousin-in-law?). NOT ONLY is it super cute, it only cost 30 bucks for both!! Loves her!

5. Pizza Hut just opened up a block and a half away. Not that I'm a huge fan of their frozen pizzas, but hello, BREADSTICKS! I hear the same shopping center place might be home to a Coldstone Creamery. If so, look out, I'll be morbidly obese by the end of the year. mmmm.... ice cream....

And there you have it. Please, link away if you have suggestions for music, food, words or general entertainment for me. I live for change these days.

Can I Help You?

2006-08-03T22:11:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, a girl came up to me in the hallway at work. She asked me if I knew where "the art show" was. Well, dear, this is an art school, perhaps more specifics?

her- I am looking for an art show, and the girl named Cassie
me- well, which building is it in?
her- I don't know
me- ...?
her- I'm looking for Cassie and her art show and she's taking a summer class and-
me- Um, there's something happening upstairs in the gallery, is that it?
her- I don't know
me- (pause) Um, well, I would go look around up there, that's the only art show opening I've seen all day.
her- heaves heavy sigh.
me- um, you're welcome, bye?
she- flounces off

Since when are people rude to others who are TRYING to help them with what LITTLE information they give? If you don't know where you're going, I certainly can't help you.

It happened again yesterday on my campus. A girl asked me where room 8-something-something is. Um? The doors definitely go in order, der. I asked which department she's looking for- econ or Art History. She doesn't know. I tried to point her in the right direction, but she walked the opposite way. Saw her again a minute or two later, and I say

me- I think it's over in that direction, the numbers are leading this way..
her- yeah, I just came from there.
me- This is a really complicated building, with the annex and the half floors and whatnot.
her- Yeah, seems to me

Like, implying that I'm an idiot!

What is this world coming to, where those who start off on a journey without knowing its destination get huffy with me for going by the information that they were able to provide me with!!! THE HELL!!

Back to regularly scheduled programming

2006-08-02T12:12:00.000-04:00

Sticking to what I do best now, which is not so much cinema based as it is being a general spaz.

1. I no longer have shingles, except when I'm hot, which, hello? I call it my mood rash
2. I am currently in possession of my second advisor's copy of her paper that she's writing on my artist (yes, I wrote my MA thesis on her, she's mine!). Wow! And? It makes me feel better that she also writes something is strongly doing something in strong colors. I am not that bad of a writer!
3. But! She wants criticism. Is this possible? Is it cool? I don't know what to do, help me Obi Wan Kenobe, you're my only hope!!
4. I have realized that I want a baby. Likerightnowgoddamnit! But that is another entry altogether.
5. This may change, because I may be watching my nephew two days a week. The days I'm supposed to be studying for my exams. Am trying to negotiate gym dues as my payment.
6. Because I feel like a moose, especially in this heat, and MAYBE I'll try to externalize stress instead of giving myself exotic old people diseases instead. Hrm.

That is all. Sorry it's not too flowy, but fuck narrative, too hot. ick

DA DA DA-DA-DA, DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA!!

2006-07-28T12:15:00.000-04:00

Click here to watch the trailer for Rocky Balboa

Many thanks to dooce.com for making me aware of this trailer.

Now, I am no movie critic. I'm not really into movies, like, at all. Unless they're art-nerdy- I think the last movie I saw in the theater might have been Pollock, either that or the Wilco docu thingy I Am Trying To Break Your Heart. I'm not big on boxing either. And Sylvester Stallone doesn't do much for me.

Movies in general don't tend to capture my attention the way TV shows and books do. There are rare occasions, and it's pretty funny that both these movies came out before I was born. (I think) Mommie Dearest ranks right up there, too, and I like comedies. But only two movies get me excited, chills and all-- one is Jaws, a movie that scared me and yet intrigued me from the time I was about 5.

The other is Rocky. Naturally, Rocky I is the best. As often happens with franchises, they get hokier and hokier as they move on. And this latest installment has the potential to really really suck.

But y'all, he came back to Philadelphia. He ran under the El in Fishtown/Kensington, (Not south philly like most people seem to think, der) through the Italian market and up the steps of the PMA. He's old and in bad shape and he is trying for another comeback.

He's Rocky. Oh my god, I am so excited for this movie.

If only she still linked to our own blogs...

2006-07-26T10:37:00.000-04:00

OMG! Amalah answered my question on the Advice Smackdown! Yeee ha!

Right here!

Stalled out

2006-07-25T10:09:00.000-04:00

This shingles thing is for the birds! THE BIRDS!!

It's weird, though. Everyone's reaction has been, oh my god! That SUCKS!

I don't hurt, though. I feel like I've been hit by a mac truck, but I don't have the owies. My FIL says that's later though. I don't know, what if I'm taking genital herpes medicine for nothing, though? What if I don't have shingles, but some exotic skin disease they haven't named yet? What if they call it Art Nerd Disease, after me??

I'm probably posting this so that I can then start hurting, and then get better. This sucks, but not for the reason that most people think the shingles suck.

I am so weird, and such a hypochondriac.

A pox on my house!

2006-07-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

I. Have. Shingles.

What? Am I eighty and in a nursing home?

Why in the world do I have the shingles.

What's fun- going to Target to get an Rx for Valtrex. Valtrex "I have genital herpes" Valtrex.

What's neurotic, of me, to do- Loudly ask the pharmacist if taking oatmeal baths is okay, you know, when you have SHINGLES and not the herp on the gennies.

What sucks- wearing long sleeves in July. For at least a week.

Owwwwww

Your semi-regular dose of art

2006-07-20T13:01:00.000-04:00

Clicky a-here.

If anyone has any extra money or frequent flyer miles they want to give me, the artist on whom I wrote my thesis is having a show. In Mexico City. And one in New York in the fall, but that's beside the point. I wanna goooooo to Mejico cit-ay!

And? My advisor, the second, the one I actually, ya know, like, called on Sli Li related business. And you know what she said? Do ya? Well, she told me about the part she liked best about my thesis. BEST! As in, there's more than one part she liked, but the one that beat out all the others, relatively speaking, was this one part.

She called it sensitive, y'all. And wonderful. WONDERFUL! Yessssh!

And? This means that she has re-read my thesis in its finished state. Actually, I won't consider it totally finished until I design the cover of it and have it bound at the library. And post pho-toes on my blog, of course. But anyway, she said she was reading up on the literature, and you know what that means?

I THINK IT MEANS THAT SHE CONSIDERS ME PART OF THE LITERATURE. OMG, you guys, I'm flyyyyying right now. Feeling like a real art nerd, baby.

When my first book comes out, I'll be completely intolerable, I can see it now...

I'm falling apart!

2006-07-20T09:25:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am falling to pieces. Literally. Well, kind of.

Besides the whole eyebrow incident, I have a rash on my forearm that won't go away. It's weird, because initially I thought it was a group of mosquito bites. Now, I 'm not sure. My boss had me convinced that I had chickenpox, and that I'd then get shingles, and then, well, just dye my hair blue and call it a day. And naturally it showed up late Monday night, because Monday at 12:20, I was at the dermatologist's office, getting a checkup and my eyebrow fixed.

Falling apart.

And my hair is a giant mess- I haven't gotten it done since the last time I complained. But I want to go to Kev's cousin's wife, but I'm afraid to call her. I don't think she'll know who I am. And it's worse, because I keep putting it off and my sister is looking to get her hair cut with me. So you'd think that would be the impetus to just frickin call already.

Am I alone in my fear of cold calling people? I am also sitting on calling the doctor, even though today my rashie rash is so grody that I've worn a longsleeved tunic. In July. It's going up to 89ish today.

I just got over my fear of returning things. I have given away countless pairs of pants because they didn't fit right- ahem, Old Navy outlet, ahem, not the bargain you think it is when the pieces are all wonky. Anyway, talk to me, are you also afraid to call, for say, a pizza, an appointment, anything like that?

Adventures in Primping, pt. 2

2006-07-17T13:21:00.000-04:00

So I talked to my dermatologist today. Apparently, ripping off part of your face is not included in their waxing services. So I will be going there from now on. Even though it costs $12 instead of $5. I guess it's worth it- if only to be able to wear makeup 3 days after the trauma. Owwww.

Adventures in Primping

2006-07-15T21:33:00.000-04:00

This afternoon, after a rather nice if uneventful pedicure, I decided, Damn. My eyebrows look a hot mess- perhaps I will get them waxed while I'm here. So I trudged back to the room where the waxing commences, my toes wrapped up in toilet paper fashioned into toe separators. I lay down on the table-dental-chair-torture contraption, which, incidentally, justfrickinfits in the room, and onto which I justaboutfrickingfit. I'm only 5'8".

The waxing began normally enough, with me holding my breath while the lady applied the wax. I don't do this in anticipation of pain so much as I just don't think that the lady appreciates my breathed-up air all over her arms and hands. I wouldn't like it. But sometimes I almost pass out. Today was hot, and well, you do the math. The room got fuzzy, but I didn't actually pass out.

Until.

So for my male reader(s?) out there, first the lady puts on the wax. Then she sticks a hunk of bedsheet to it, and rips out your eyebrow hairs in clumps. And then she puts on Vaseline to help remove the extra wax, and to help her to pluck. out. each.and. every. individual. eyebrow. hair. that. the. wax. missed. This took about 4 hours today, me hyperventilating the whoooole time.

Then.

She used alcohol to remove the vaseline. OH MY GOD the pain. It felt like she threw hot acid in my face. My eyebrows! My skin! You just opened up all the pores by ripping out hair, and now you've sent them screaming shut in response to the burny burny alcohol, oh my god, lady, do I tip badly or something?

If I thought my head looked a hot mess before, take a look at this:

This is a hideous photo of my eyebrows, taken four house after the heinous attack they suffered at the hands of the nail salon lady. It's un-Photoshopped, except for a little patch of grody dry skin on my forehead that I must admit I retouches (cough cough, Britney in that magazine she just did nekked, ahem). Those are my eyes, my dark circles, and my scary damaged eyebrowal area.

But the shape is pretty good, no?

EDITED TO ADD:

This is my brows this am. Oh my gob, I'm hideous!

just for fun

2006-07-13T11:12:00.000-04:00

what rocker should be in your bed

Angus Young, his boyish charms still rock
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From the ancient world

2006-07-13T09:23:00.000-04:00

So, in keeping with my promise to keep bringing the art nerdery, here is a still life from a wall in the city of Herculaneum. It was buried, along with Pompeii, in 79 CE in the eruption of Mt Vesuvius. Herculaneum is really interesting because they were locked in ash rather than lava (as I recall) and therefore there is a lot of extant wood, ie furniture, that survived here but was destroyed in the lava of Pompeii. I also learned from a TLC special that the residents of Herculaneum, though once presumed to have escaped, were found relatively recently down by the harbor. They had time to get down there, but couldn't escape the heat. They said their brains boiled and 'sploded. EW! But I digress.

This painting, albeit a really bad image of it- the color is kind of off- just amazes me! Do you know how hard it is to paint glass? And the viewpoint is so interesting. They aren't supposed to have had any system of perspective, but who needs one anyway? This painting? Survives from the years that Christ walked the earth! Isn't that so cool? This thing is 2000 years old, and it's just. so. beautiful.

Shine on...

2006-07-11T11:38:00.000-04:00

Syd Barrett died. He was one of the founding members of Pink Floyd. That? sucks.

Am now taking recommendations...

2006-07-10T10:43:00.000-04:00

People, my hair? Has freaked the fuck out! It's rather frizzy , and with the flatness at the roots, I'm starting to resemble this chick (per my sister, Saturday morning):

So I'm listening- What do you use in your hair? Besides the obvious, I know I need a haircut (and highlights, gah the greys!) but until next week- when I get paid again- what can I do?

Been a while since...

2006-07-08T23:48:00.000-04:00

Hey, isn't, like, "art", in the title of this blog? Haven't written about it in a while, have I?

Well that will change, thanks to Teacher Lady . She got me thinking about my favorite paintings.

I say it in the plural, because really, it's an evil question, like which cat is your favorite, or which appendage. I like all of my appendages for different reasons.

It's even more difficult for me to choose, because there are some works that I like because I'm a painter (not really an artist, not now, since I haven't done anything in a year. but still, BFA and all...) One artist that comes to mind in this realm is John Singer Sargent, whose paintings, oh my god, are so. incredibly. gorgeous. in real life. His fabrics, ahhhhh, so sexy. That's what they are, juicy, sexy, sensual paintings- but ultimately society portraits that I don't know how much more can be read into them. To be honest, I haven't looked too far into it.

There are also works that I like because I have some deeper knowledge of them because I studied them. For instance, Michelangelo's Last Judgment, in the Sistine Chapel. That painting fascinates me not only because it's amazingly populated and complex, but there is just so much going on. And the time in which it was created was right after the Council of Trent, when the Church up and changed the rules about images, and sweet merciful crap, it's just fricking amazing! Look!

And then, there's Manet. His famous paintings, God are they good. In both senses- I respond to Manet's modernism, his flatness and surface obviousness. But his late still lifes give me an art history boner. I wish I could own these paintings. He made the first, and when the man who bought it paid more than the asking price, Manet sent him this second, with a note that his bunch was short a stalk. How can you not love that?!

Am thinking of adding at least one art image a week. And also instituting Confession Wednesdays, in which I confess to something weird or bad or most often lazy that I've done. Pastly or presently. Oh I am branching out people. Look out blogosphere!

Geek Heeellllpp!

2006-07-07T11:47:00.000-04:00

I want to design my own "skin" for my blog. Any suggestions? How how how?

To sum up a week's worth of happenings...

2006-07-05T20:38:00.000-04:00

Am sorry about the no-blogging in a week thing. There have been "things" happening. For instance:

1. The iMac is back! Complements of CompUSA, our iMac now functions, and we only lost about a month on it! Sigh

2. We have added another cat to the mix. His name is Jack, and the only one who seems even mildly perturbed about his presence is Sophia. God bless the inventor of the Feliway atomizer! Bless him!

3. Have had the worst migraine, going on five days now. Actually, today being the day I called the neurologist's office in tears, I feel a little better. Though a friend once told me about a migraine she had where she didn't notice the pain, and it went into her throwing up and passing out at a soccer game in college. This will probably happen to me.

My neuro is a good doctor, but like a lot of my docs, he has the personality of a wet dishrag. He sounded mildly concerned about my head, and I can go get a new Rx for something different tomorrow. The receptionist put me on the cancellation list, which I feel mildly guilty about. I mean, it's a neuro's office, doesn't he deal mostly with stroke victims? I feel like if I get an appointment sooner than my existing August 8th spot, it's because someone died. And that's just not in my protocol, to benefit from random strangers' deaths, even if I have made them up, ya know? And even if my headaches have gotten worse, and started to bridge a spectrum of fun! new! symptoms! Because the searing-hot pain in my eye-al area wasn't enough, no no. And the occasional nausea and sensitivity to light and scent was getting a little lonely. Flashing lights, facial and hand numbness- all new, and so fun, I swear!

4. Oh, and the old car needed a new battery and alternator. Lesson learned- Lauren, do not try to recount the last time you called AAA. It will happen again, and it's so worth your money. Shut up and pay it!

The fourth was fun. I mean, as fun as the summer holidays get. I don't really care about fireworks, but Lionel Richie was playing at the Welcome America festival jammy this year. Would have liked to see him singing in fake Swahili, that could have rocked. I got a killer migraine, complete with almost-barfing at the BBQ we were at. And we went home before the fireworks, since Kev had to work at 3 this morning. Poor guy, I hope he gets normal hours soon.

I feel like I've been on the downswing since my speeding ticket. And while driving to our friend John's house yesterday, Kevin revealed to me a fine little nugget of info. When driving on 95, I mused aloud as to what the speed limit is. "Well, we're in PA, it's always 55, unless you're on the Turnpike." I shit you not, people, I almost killed him. Honestly, he couldn't have shared this two weeks ago?!

Lauren Does the Mid-West, the wrapup

2006-06-29T21:29:00.000-04:00

I kind of fell off the whole blogging-on-vacation thing, and I'm sorry about that. But there were very important things to take care of. There was a best man speech to write. That was funny, with me all "taking a memo" style typing out what Kev was saying. Then I go to the front desk to have them print it for me, one stinkin page, and the jerkass won't do it!! I even tried to pull the best man card, to no avail. I'm really bad at the pulling rank, I didn't even get a suite the night of Kev's and my wedding, and I checked in wearing my dress and veil. That's two strikes against the Holiday Inn chain, as a matter of fact. But I digress.

Anyway, there was that, a hairspray emergency with the bridesmaids and flowergirls (that naturally I was called for- hello, was not a bridesmaid!!), the wedding blah blah blah and then... the drive home.

Driving home went well. Well, actually, we did lose our road in St. Louis, but it wasn't too bad because we then found the Anheuiser-Busch plant and took a tour. Beechwood aging, people, it's all about the beechwood. And the hops. But then stupid ass Dudley fucking Do-Right pulls me over, and I'm all bitter. It took a little longer to get home after that, what with me and then Kev verrrrr carefully observing the speed limit all the way to Phila.

So we made it, we're not divorced, and Sammy survived a week without his pops. He ripped up a whole roll of paper towels the night before we got back, but that's actually normal behavior for Sam. Sophia seems to have barely noticed our absence. The nephew did, though, and now he says my name now, a lot. It's so fun.

I've even done almost all the wash from the trip. Although the clean clothes are still in the suitcases. And this is dumb, but the bag, you know, the one filled with Vanilla-scented shaving cream? It's part of a set of luggage that I borrowed from my sister. Last night, I went and bought my own set. Ocean blue, instead of hot pink, so Kev and I can share. But how dumb is that, to buy a set of luggage after your maybe once yearly trip? Oh well, was 40 bucks, how could I refuse?

Dear PA state police

2006-06-28T20:15:00.000-04:00

Fuck you. You suck. Instead of sitting on the side of the road, trying to fill up your quota of speeding tickets for the month, why don't you install some speed limit signs? I. Hate. You.

I was worried about the po-po in W. VA, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, and Missouri, but not here. Not home. You ruined my faith in PA's superiorness as a state.

And now I have points on my license, and that, to me, is so much worse than notes on my permanent record card.

Hate,
Lauren

A message from the real world...

2006-06-23T17:37:00.000-04:00

Argh! I have a student from last Spring's semester of the class from hell. Get this- he is still perplexed and contesting his grades from frickin Spring of 05.

My advisor (and this fool's instructor of record, gah!) wanted to know how we came up with an F for his grade. Well, ya big j.o.

his average on test grades- 35
his participation/paper grades- 50
(handing in one of two papers, late, and horribly wrong, still got him a 50 BECAUSE I AM NICE!)

So obviously Art History is not this boy's strong suit, but neither is math. And the kicker is that he is my age, getting an undergrad degree, and assured me and my fellow TA that he was not like those other students, lazy and not having his act together.

No, no, friend, you? Are sooooo much worse, because at least they're 18. Asshole!

vent over!

Fresh Ink

2006-06-23T01:15:00.000-04:00

Fresh Ink
Originally uploaded by laurenhpatterson.

Behold the new tattoo. It's a little, um, pink, no?

Lauren Does the Mid-West, vol. 3

2006-06-22T16:49:00.000-04:00

Last night we went to the bride's parents' house for dinner. They have five, yes, five dogs. Three of them are weiner dogs, two are weiner dog-terrier mixes. One of the purebred weiners is in a wheelchair. She's sooooo cute. I'll have to take pictures the next time I see them. It was nice to have animal contact again, because I miss my kitties!

The bride's parents are both deaf. It's a little hard to communicate with them (duh, right?!) because I feel bad for making the bride interpret for me, but her mom, especially, is hard to understand when she's speaking. But! Other than that, oh my gob, they are exactly like Kev's parents. Not only do they look like Kev's parents, they also have the same personalities, they have the same affection for pulling out photo albums at awkward times as Kev's parents, and they even share the same love of camping and RVing as Kev's parents. All of this? Complete opposite of my own parents, but this is another entry.

We had fried chicken and some sides for dinner over there, and Kev very nicely got me some iced tea. Well. I took one sip, and I knew I was doomed. It was raspberry flavored tea, and I? Am so allergic to raspberries. And? You would not believe it if I told you how many times I've accidentally ingested them! And more than once at the hands of Kev's sister. hmmmm...

Anyway, I had thought to bring Benadryl with me to Kansas, but not in my purse. I felt the hives creeping up, and my throat was getting sore, but I wasn't going to say anything. And then everyone noticed at about the same time that Lauren has big red nasty blotches on her chest. I probably should have taken Benadryl, but that crap knocks me out faster than one of Kev's long and boring comic book stories. I tried to suffer in silence, but everyone kept asking if I'm all right, etc etc, which was nice, but I get the hives when everyone is looking at me, no matter what kind of fruit I may have actually eaten.

Kev got his tattoo yesterday. Now I really want one. But I'm scared. Not of the pain- I told you, he's a baby sissy la-la, but of where to get it, and the appropriateness of me having one as a someday professor. I may have decided (in Target today, where they sell beer, y'all, seriously, I come from a state where they have stores that only sell beer, and that's pretty much the only place they do, so this was very very weird to me.) to get cherry blossoms on my back. It's tricky, though, to find something that is meaningful, but not too literal. Or generic. Or korny. with a K, because that's how bad it is.

Tomorrow, the rehearsal dinner. Christ. I am maintaining my position, I'm just trying to be helpful and stay out of the line of fire. Crazy explosive, this family is!